Rei had spent a lot of her free time, recently, practicing
martial arts to Onion-sensei's rap tapes. As a result, she was really
tearing up during the training sessions, and the results showed in her
piloting, too. In the current training session, she had just completed
the last several sets of commands flawlessly.
Onion-sensei began singing again.
"Beat to the beat is the right technique
Follow my lead if it's skill you seek
When things get rough, just focus your chi,
Relax and attack and you'll be like me, now
Kick punch punch!" He planted and drove his leg well above his
head, adding two jabs.
"Kick punch ack!" Shinji echoed, starting his punch too soon and
tripping over himself.
"Kick punch punch!" shouted Asuka. She performed the attack
fiercely, except for an uncoordinated final punch.
David said nothing, merely copying Onion's moves.
Rei, on the other hand, was something else. "Kick punch punch,"
she said, executing her moves correctly on each beat. One leg flew out,
withdrawing, followed by a pair of fists in succession.
Training continued in this manner, Rei surpassing the others'
efforts and almost matching the instructor's, until the tape came to an
end. "Very good work, Children," Onion-sensei congratulated his pupils.
"I can see your coordination improving! I will see you tomorrow."
After changing out of his training gi, David waited for Rei
outside the locker rooms. "Nice job today," he said to her, when she
emerged. "Holy crap, how do you get your leg that high for those
"Females have a greater structural flexibility than males. Extra
practice, in addition, is helpful. I have been working on my roundhouse
kicks." She paused. "I would suggest we leave quickly. Asuka's mood
seems bad today, and soon she'll be finished practicing her roundhouse
kicks on the locker."
"Yeah, let's go. Say, I read some interesting stuff by Hobbes
today, in Leviathan, and I was wondering what you'd think of it..."
Shin Slurpee Evangelion
SLURPEE 0:5 - Superpowers
"Signal rejected," Amy Bradford, Eva technician first class,
announced irritably. She had trained and worked hard to reach her
position, and she wasn't about to be shown up by a bio-robot with a
taste in signals. "Should I reattempt the secondary connections?"
"Re-route the initial transmission conduit," directed her
superior, Dr. Timothy Pennington. "Try compensating for harmonic
Amy struck a series of keys on his keyboard. "Harmonics
adjusted. No change, Eva still not responding."
"That's odd," mused the doctor. "The synapses were inserted
Pennington examined a computer monitor, observing synchronity
progress and signal transmission path. "All neural gates read as
unlocked. It appears the Eva is simply refusing to take the signal."
Inside the cockpit of Eva-04, the Fifth Child was struggling with
problems of his own.
I'm sure I can hold my breath just a few more minutes. I'm
sure of it. Then I'll pass out and I won't be able to pilot this piece
of scrap metal. It can't synch with an unconscious pilot, right? I'm
darned if I'm gonna put my soul in this thing. I'm darned if I'm gonna
breathe this LCL.
The Fifth Child's lungs interjected, Where's our air?
Shut up, he thought. Wow, my brain must really need oxygen
if I'm talking to my lungs. Just a bit longer...
Excuse us, but there are cells that need to respire here. The
red blood cells are getting dark, and everybody's not producing enough
ATP to power you, ya know? It'd be good for everyone if you'd do a
little breathing now. ...Look, don't make us go anaerobic on you.
That's just gonna hurt everyone, in the end.
The Fifth Child told his lungs to take a hike. Instead of
obliging, they caused his chest to hurt. BREATHE, YOU!!! they
And so he breathed, LCL flooding his lungs as he hacked away.
"I just can't get the signal through," Amy said angrily.
"You know, the problem may just be in the Eva," suggested another
technician. "Dr. Pennington, do you think we should attempt to
synchronize the pilot and Unit 05?"
"Attention, please," Secretary Kensuke Aida addressed his fellow
Asuka-haters, in the same empty classroom as before. "This second
official meeting of WHAC begins now, Touji Suzuhara presiding.
Touji stood and read from his speech paper. "Lessee here...ah.
The purpose of this meeting is to devise a strategy that will free
Ikari from the clutches of our nemesis. Further complicating the
"Tetsuya Yoshida left because we're not giving free pizza
anymore," David Bever observed.
"That's not what the sheet says. It says that Asuka is
apparently developing feelings for Shinji, which will present further
difficulties. Now, does anyone have suggestions?"
Kensuke thought for a second. "Well, she can't stand any of us.
Maybe if we hang around Shinji a whole lot, she'll be deterred."
"Or," elaborated David, "she won't. ...In which case, we and she
will come to verbal blows, and her true insensitive nature will show
through. Causing Shinji to realize what a jerk she is."
"Hmm," Kensuke mused. "If we don't mind the presence of the evil
one, then it's a good deal." He looked at his companions, the three of
them united by purpose.
Touji looked back at him. "Maybe we should get Rei's help. I
mean, she's pretty smart and all, and I bet she could come up with
"And I'm pretty sure Shinji's got a thing for her," added
"She may have feelings toward Shinji, as well. As much as
Ayanami can possibly possess any emotion. Even being a newcomer to the
Eva piloting scene, I can see that they at least feel positively toward
each other; I'm just not sure how positively. I think that trying to
her up with Shinji could have beneficial results."
"But David, is that a good thing for him? I mean, Rei's not too
responsive or anything. Could be a dull relationship," Touji noted.
"True. ...But, despite being quiet and odd, she is a person
with a personality. She's hardworking, complacent, and intelligent, for
Kensuke looked at the notes he'd scribbled down. "Okay, we've
got 1) hang around Shinji and try to drive off Asuka and 2) get Rei's
help, either intellectually or romantically. Yeah?"
"Say, David. How come your Japanese is so good?"
David grinned secretively. "Magic." The other two apparently
had no desire to pursue the matter and thus let it drop.
In Eva-05, things were going more smoothly than before. The
Third Phase was nearing completion as technicians kept the signal
Joe Fukushima, the neural connection operator of NERV's American
subdivision, counted down the distance to absolute borderline.
junctions 4.7 from borderline. 3.7 junctions...3. 2.5. 2, 1.5, now 1.
Entering critical area, 0.7 remaining...0.6, 0.4, 0.2, 0.1...passed.
Eva-to-pilot synchronity achieved."
"Synchronity percentage, Amy?" asked Doctor Pennington.
Amy was frowning disappointedly. "Point oh-five, sir." Everyone
in the room turned in surprise.
Amy looked at the ten-or-so shocked faces that were focusing on
her. "It's .05%," she repeated, slightly angry. "Quit staring at me!
It's the pilot's fault, if anyone's!"
"That's true," noted the doctor. "I believe I will give NERV a
call and see what bonehead was operating the Marduk program when they
chose this candidate. While I do that, eject the entry plug and have
Fifth Child wait here until further notice."
He paused, contemplating. "Get him a soda, too. Or maybe some
Gendo Ikari wasn't surprised at all that the Fifth Child had
failed to synchronize with Eva-04; nor was he caught off guard
the results with Eva-05. It had been foreseen that the correct fifth
candidate for Evangelion piloting would have these initial difficulties.
However, convincing Dr. Pennington that this wasn't a problem was
to be rather difficult indeed.
"Let me assure you," emphasized the commander, "that these
problems ensure that the pilot is more than capable of performing his
duty. According to calculations from SEELE's best scientists, the Fifth
Child will have a high synchronity potential, despite poor initial
"Ah. And you compensated for this in running the Marduk
"Confirmed the results using a verification system?"
"Um...did you...never mind. Yes, I suppose Luke Ferrell must be
the Fifth Child, then." Pennington looked over a printout of
results. "In that case, we will send you number five as soon as
"Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye."
Gendo Ikari surveyed his office, his eyes coming to rest on a
diagram of Eva circuitry. Though SEELE might have foreseen the
situation, there was no possible way it could foresee his plans. Luke
Ferrell would soon become, if all went well, an integral element in the
Instrumentality Project. His potential for uniting with Evas would see
At a picnic table outside, Shinji sat with Asuka. The two were
eating lunch and talking about life. Shinji's argument was that his
was good primarily because of his friends and the salami sandwich
before him, whereas Asuka pointed out that he also had the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pilot a giant robot. His response was
that it wasn't particularly enjoyable for him. She rebutted this point
by asserting the fact that he was a moron.
It may have been an argument, but it was a friendly argument.
Both of them were smiling, and Touji noted this fact with dismay from
vantage point along the wall. He, Kensuke, and David were spying.
Touji frowned and began singing. "I can see what's happening--"
"What?" asked Kensuke.
"And they don't have a clue."
"Apparently someone else doesn't have a clue," the master of the
obvious noted under his breath.
"They'll fall in love," continued Touji, "and here's the bottom
line: our trio's down to two!"
"Oh." Kensuke took a bite of his sandwich, which took
considerable effort. The sandwich war between him and Touji was still
ongoing. As was Touji's song.
"The sweet caress of twilight--"
"What have you been smoking?" asked David Bever. "It's broad
daylight, you idiot. I sure don't see any 'twilight.'"
Touji gritted his teeth. "Look, I'm trying to sing a song here.
If you guys could save the editorial comments for a better time, such as
when the Earth crashes into the Sun, I'd be really grateful. Okay?" He
resumed singing. "The sweet caress of twilight, there's magic
everywhere. And with all this romantic atmosphere, disaster's in the
"I wouldn't think so," David mused. "You could ruin any romantic
atmosphere with your singing."
Kensuke agreed wholeheartedly. "Yeah. Touji, has anyone ever
told you that you have have a singing disabilty? You know, an S.D.?"
"WHAT did I tell you about the editorial comments?"
David snickered. "You're just bitter 'cause you're S.D..
The assessment wasn't too far from the truth. Touji, currently,
was so hot under the collar that his head might just start enlarging
thermal expansion. Red-faced, he snapped, "You know, if you guys
INSULTING me, we might be able to RUIN this romantic atmosphere and
employ our anti-Asuka strategies!"
"To which we could add your singing," David noted under his
"What was that?"
"Nothing. You go ahead, go over there and start arguing with
JACKSON: We interrupt this fanfic to bring you another commercial. This
one was written by Erin Ellis. Enjoy!
(The scene: breakfast table at Misato's. She is seated at the table
a bowl of cereal.)
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"So, tell me, what's up?"
Reluctantly, Rei averted her gaze from lunch. "Clouds," she
"Er...yeah, can't argue with that. I mean what's going on?"
"I am eating lunch."
Conversation, Kensuke thought, isn't her forte. "Uh-huh.
Say, remember the dance a few months ago?" She nodded. "And how
wanted to ask you to it, but he was too shy to admit it?" She nodded
again. "He really likes you, you know. He keeps wishing he'd had the
courage to say something, instead of denying everything."
I am such a good liar!
Rei demurely gazed at the clouds, quietly voicing her thoughts.
"He denied very vehemently, for one who wanted to dance with me. It
seemed more as if he had other intentions."
"Well, you know how Shinji is," Kensuke quickly explained,
thinking on the fly. "You know how he goes ballistic sometimes, and um,
doesn't know what he's doing, like especially in his Eva how he gets all
"He tried to protect Asuka when he fought the last Angel. He
apparently was 'psycho' in defense of her. I believe he feels strongly
"Displacement," Kensuke said. "It's a Freud thing. He's afraid
you don't like him so he subconsciously focuses his emotion on Asuka."
Thank God for that report I had to do on Freud last year! "Look,
what do you feel toward him?"
Rei considered the question. "...Feel."
"Yes. Like what emotions? How does he make you feel?"
"I...do not know. It is...agreeable to be around him. When he
"So you want him to be happy, right?" Rei slowly nodded.
"Believe me, he will be very happy if you ask him out. I think you
should call him up tonight, and say, 'Shinji, will you go out with me?'
That's what you should do."
"Perhaps I will," Rei decided. Although it was almost a
"Hey guys," Touji said, sitting down by Shinji and interrupting
his conversation with Asuka. "Shinji," he said, nodding to his friend.
"And Asuka." She glowered rather fiercely at him, so he glowered back.
"It's okay if I join you, right?"
Shinji nodded. "No problem."
Asuka almost adamantly objected but for some reason shut up.
"So, what were you guys talking about?" Touji asked, unwrapping
his megasandwich. He bit off a chunk and chewed it with difficulty.
"Eva piloting. Shinji here thinks it's stupid--yeah, just like
him--but I think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread!"
Touji considered his response, formulating it to tick off Asuka
without seeming aggressive. "I dunno, there's not much better than
sliced bread." He ate another piece of sandwich. "An' bsides, yu gotta
r'member thut mh sister whus injurd cuz (gulp) 'njured cuz (swallow)
'cause of Eva-01 and that one green Angel. I'm not too fond of 'em."
"Well, that's just personal preference," Asuka replied. "You
know that without the Evas we'd all be Angel fodder. Some people just
hafta get hurt to beat them!"
"Like me," Shinji said.
"Yeah, like Shinji. And Mari-chan. How come it's always the
nice ones who get it, huh? We're just pavement for the big shots to get
where they're going. And who let NERV play God, anyway?" Touji was
acting, but it came naturally to him. Although he'd put the injury
incident behind him, he could dig it up for further use. Hey, Shinji
"NERV's not playing God. They're saving the world from the
threat of the Angels! You just have no idea of sacrifice for the common
good." She stuck her tongue out at him.
"Yeah, no idea of sacrifice. I had to sacrifice my sister, how
much is that worth? Maybe I should just give 'em my appendages, too.
left arm, maybe a few toes..."
Asuka backed away a bit. "Lighten up! Aren't you beating a dead
horse here? You don't have to get so angry, either."
Maybe I overdid it, Touji thought. He decided to tone it
down. "Yeah. But you're not very sensitive about Eva piloting."
There. That ought to be uncomfortable enough. Get Shinji thinking.
Shinji, confused, was still wondering what had just transpired.
The lessons that afternoon, however, were far from confusing. As
the teacher unknowingly covered the same topic that he had four times
already, Shinji followed along in his notes. Tired of reviewing the
idea, and well aware that he could recite the material in his sleep
(which was what he'd be doing if the excitement didn't pick up soon), he
saved his notes, opened up a graphics program, and drew little squiggly
"Bored?" Asuka whispered to him. He nodded, drawing a squiggly
mark that would have looked kind of like a heart if it weren't for the
other squiggly marks clogging up the screen.
"He's going over this for the fifth time now," Shinji observed
quietly. "It's really getting old, fast."
"...And it's fifth period."
"And it's five minutes 'til one."
They looked at each other. "Weird coincidence," they agreed
The teacher seemed to be about to move on, so each of them
returned to his or her own notes. Shinji closed his file full of
squiggly marks (he'd just completed the 25th one, not that he was
counting or anything) and rested his fingers on the keyboard again.
Exactly five hundred meters down from Shinji's immediate
location, a problem arose. "Blue signal detected!" Ritsuko announced
loudly. All NERV staff looked up from their computers. "Source is
almost on the outskirts of the city...and it's very big."
"Give us visual," Commander Ikari directed. A few keystrokes,
and there was the Thirteenth Angel. The visual output, though a bit
blurry and underwater, showed something rather like a seven-eyed,
five-tentacled, neon purple squid. Apparently one with vision problems,
since the squid-Angel promptly tripped over the visual display camera
"Maybe it's camera-shy," Shigeru Aoba considered.
"This is not a laughing matter."
Shinji's fingers jolted up from the keyboard as two surprising
things happened simultaneously. First, the Angel Warning Alarm blared
unexpectedly; second, a message appeared on his computer screen, an
incredibly unlikely message for Shinji to recieve from an even less
likely person to send it. These two events in conjunction, caused him
pound out a series of letters and numbers into his notes: Ez
"Something wrong?" Asuka asked, standing up to go to NERV HQ.
Shinji hastily shook his head and shut down his computer. He swallowed.
"Er, just nervous about the Angel. Yeah."
The teacher was speaking. "Okay...all students should report to
the emergency shelter, except the four pilots, who will go fight the
Angel. Single-file line, remain quiet...um, that should be it. Let's
"Good luck, man," Touji wished to Shinji, punching him lightly in
the arm. Shinji nodded absently; the message he had recieved was still
throbbing in his brain.
May I go on a date with you? Rei had typed to him.
Once inside his Eva and beset with plugsuit, Shinji contemplated.
I can't believe this. I can't believe that Ayanami would
really want to go out with me. We're not like that! I, I don't think
even she's like that. Why would she want to? And she's never been too
friendly toward me, and even when Kensuke tried to get us to dance she
refused. What am I gonna do! I can't turn her down, that would hurt
feelings--I think--but, I really don't want to go out with her! I
couldn't leave Asuka like that...just throw away how much closer we've
gotten? Have we gotten closer? And then there's another Angel to
Agh, he groaned inwardly. Eva-01 seemed to be frowning.
It seems like there are things going on right under my nose, and I
don't even know about them. Like fate is sticking a 'kick me' sign on
back. He recalled a certain Five Iron Frenzy song, "I Feel Lucky,"
sang it, altering it slightly to fit his situation.
"I feel, I feel sucky; I feel, I feel sucky."
Looking at the pilot status display, Ritsuko found Shinji's
synch-rate to be less than optimal. "He's at 50%, on the dot," she
"Almost an 8% drop from his previous average. Probably a mental
distraction is at fault."
"I'll ask him," Misato offered. "Shinji, is something bothering
The intercom clicked on. "I feel, I feel su--oh, huh? Uh, I'm
kind of tense, well, about fighting the Angel. Yeah."
"Well, we can't have you fighting like that. Loosen up, try to
think about other things on the way to the surface." She whispered the
last part, shutting off the other pilots' comm channels. "Like Asuka."
Shinji tried it, but it just made him think about his plight.
"Synchronization dropped .7%," Ritsuko reported. Misato appeared very
"We don't have time for this," Gendo said authoritatively.
"According to Hyuuga's motion sensor data, the Thirteenth Angel has
reached shore and is rapidly approaching the city. The pilots will
intercept and eliminate it. The Angel's location has been loaded into
the Evas' systems. Begin launch now."
Restraints removed themselves from the bio-mechanical behemoths.
Seconds later, three units rocketed upward to face their adversary.
"The appearance of the Thirteenth Angel was right on schedule,"
Gendo told his subordinates. "I've pre-arranged for the transport of
Fifth Child to Tokyo-3, by plane; he should be here any moment now. And
then..." The commander smiled. "Let the games begin."
The first thing Rei noticed upon surfacing, aside from the
deranged interpretation of a squid on the horizon, was the abscence of
David. "Where is David?" she inquired.
"The wuss said he felt weird, linked up to the Eva. His synch
was lower, so they kept him down as a reserve." Asuka laughed. "Who
needs him, anyway? You guys take autolasers and cover me from the
flanks. I'm gonna take it up close with the prog-knife."
"Say, Asuka," Shinji began, but the reckless redhead was already
"Just do your part!" she called back.
So, Shinji did his part. He and Rei aimed and fired together,
their lasers creating slight ripples in the Angel's AT field. Almost
instantaneously, it reacted by lifting two of its tentacles, which
absorbed the lasers. Something happened next, but it happened far too
fast for Shinji to understand what it was. All he knew was that his
entire viewscreen had suddenly turned black, and he had fallen down.
Apparently, he had been hit with...
"Ink!! I can't see a thing!"
"Nor I." Rei's unit had stumbled backward into a building. "Can
you remove it from your Eva's eyes?"
Shinji tried. "Can't. It's too sticky!"
In the meantime, Asuka charged on ahead. "Gyyyyyyahhhhhhh!" she
shouted, shoulder-tackling the Angel. Which wasn't a wise idea, because
it, unfazed, wrapped a pair of tentacles around Eva-02's torso and
prepared to eat its head.
Squids' mouths are located at the base of their conic bodies.
Their jaws, shaped like parrots' beaks, are comparatively powerful, and,
in larger squid species, can break bone.
Asuka, thinking quickly, planted and kicked the Angelic squid in
one of its eyes. This caused it to drop her, and she quickly recovered
and backed up.
"I can't see a thing. Rei, I think we're immobilized."
"The AT field didn't seem very resilient to either Asuka or our
lasers," Rei noted. "It may only act as an energy detection field."
"Sounds logical," Shinji agreed. "Asuka, don't attack it with
Asuka nodded, her face popping up in the corner of his view.
"Right, I'd thought of that. And close combat is out. I'm gonna
machine-gun it." Eva-02 grabbed an automatic assault rifle, targeted
Angel, and squeezed the trigger. "EAT LEAD, YOU SPINELESS BLOB!!!"
"Units 00 and 01 seem to be completely blinded," Ritsuko
observed. "Commander, I think this would be a good time to launch Unit
Ikari shook his head. "Not in this battle. Trust me."
"I don't think that's very wise at all. You know as well as any
of us the consequences of failure."
"Let me explain the problem," Fuyutsuki offered. "The presence
of Eva-03 against this particular adversary will negatively affect the
synchronity of the Fifth Child to his Eva. I believe it's a result of
field interaction. Do you understand?"
Ritsuko nodded, but Hyuuga brought up another point. "I've heard
that the Fifth Child has a low synch-percentage anyway. What does it
matter? I'd think David would be more effective."
"As subordinates, you will all have to trust me. Remember that I
wouldn't do this if I did not strongly expect it to succeed."
"It's advancing! Fast!" Asuka shouted. She quickly grabbed a
second gun, an SMG, from the storage skyscraper at her left and began to
run. The squid followed at what was, for a squid, quite a fast pace
Asuka ran, emptying several rounds of machine-gun fire into her
opponent, which didn't seem to be taking a beating at all. This is
because squids contain a thin endoskeletal structure called a pen. In
the Angel, this pen was thicker and more pronounced than usual,
preventing bullet penetration. The few bullets that hit the eyes were
also deflected by a similar transparent covering.
Asuka, frustrated, continued retreating and said some very bad
words in German, English, and Japanese.
This caused the blinded Shinji to wonder how the battle was
going. "Is something wrong?"
"No, not at all! The fact that my bullets aren't doing anything
isn't any problem whatsoever! And I'm not concerned in the least about
how it's gaining on me! Man, that's a fast squid!"
A plane carrying an Eva appeared on the horizon. The battle
halted as Unit 02 and the Thirteenth Angel watched.
Shinji was concerned by the silence. "What's going on? Asuka?"
"I'm here," Asuka said. It would have been wise for her to
attack the preoccupied Angel, but one's mind doesn't always think of
these things. Especially after the tension of running away from a huge
squid for more than ten minutes.
The plane came closer. It dropped its cargo, a large white
Mass-Production Eva containing Luke Ferrell, and flew away. The Eva
landed with a crash, fell over, and slowly stood up.
The squid began advancing on it.
"Huh, wha? No, hey, don't come after me like that! Hey, help me
out, okay! Help, girl in the red Eva, help me! Ack!" Unit 05 backed
slowly and shakily.
Asuka noted that it was wearing pants. They were
early-'90s-style jeans, large and comfy. Their color was blue, and they
were treated to look second hand. The button, made of metal and about
the size of a hubcap, had below it a collossal zipper. But now wasn't
the time to dwell on that.
So, Asuka opened fire once again on the squid-Angel. "Hey, punk,
come finish what you started! I'm over here!" But it ignored her and
focused on the other Eva, which tripped and fell backward.
"Hey, don't kill me! Please don't!" The Angel's AT field passed
over Luke Ferrell's pants-wearing mecha. Luke tried to get up. "Hey, I
can't control my Eva! What the &^% is going on?"
"Son of a..." Shigeru Aoba exclaimed. "Somebody confirm Unit
05's pilot synch rate?"
Maya tapped away at her computer console. "555.55%. Wow."
Gendo Ikari chuckled.
"AAaAAAHhhhhHHHHH, I'm gonna DIE, help! My head! Oh my--"
Luke's comm channel abruptly ceased functioning. His Eva's eyes glowed
dark shade of reddish-purple. The Eva stood, slowly, and the squid
wrapped three tentacles around it. Time seemed to freeze.
Eva-05 lunged suddenly, bashing the squid's body against a
skyscraper. It then repeated the procedure several times, until the
Angel's suckered tentacles released their grip. After this, the berserk
Eva emitted a loud, screeching, terrible howl.
Luke Ferrell's comm channel came back on for a second. "--HAHAHA
ha ha ha whaaa ha, ha! Die! DIE!! AH HAHAHA--" He sounded as crazed
as the Eva.
"What is wrong with this kid?" Asuka asked herself.
"I would not know. I am unable to see," Rei said.
If she had been able to see, she would have seen one of the
strangest sights of her life thus far (which is saying a lot,
the nature of Rei's life). At the moment, Eva-05 was swinging the Angel
by the tentacles over its head. It then bashed its victim into the road
several times until visible cracks appeared in the asphalt. The squid
suddenly wrapped its arms around the Eva's, lunged forward, and snapped
at the chest, but the Eva dodged and countered by biting a tentacle.
And then it bit the other four tentacles off.
Asuka, wanting a piece of the action, re-commenced blasting her
SMG into the detentacled Angel, which was now spraying ink everywhere in
a panic. Eva-05 tore into the squid, ripping off flesh (if that was
truly what Angels were made of) and bashing a hole in the pen. As it
scraped through the squid, it howled and roared periodically.
Eventually, reaching the S2 organ, it pulled the round globe out and
placed it in a jeans pocket.
"Synchronization has fallen to .05% again; we have reestablished
contact with the Eva," reported Shigeru.
"Communications link is reactivated." Maya flipped a switch, and
all could hear the words of the Fifth Child, who was singing.
"...around in a van, don't take, a shower for six weeks
and...We've been given superpowers, ask us for an autograph. We sing!
We dance! We'll make! You laugh! Don't you want to be like us?"
Gendo Ikari surveyed the other NERV staff. "Told you so," he
said stoically. "He has been given superpowers."
Shortly afterward, Shinji, once again in his room in Misato's
apartment, stared at the wall and contemplated things other than it.
This is really really awful. Rei likes me. Who'd have thought
she was even capable of liking? I don't know how to react to this; it's
so unexpected. Rei herself wants to go out with me. And maybe it'd be
easier if the feeling was mutual, but it's not! I don't want to go out
with Rei! I don't even know where we'd go! What does Rei like to do?
He shifted his sitting position on the bed, so that he was near
the phone. If I don't know what to do, I should get advice. I'll
call... His mind played briefly with the notion of telling his
to Kensuke, but, recalling Kensuke's attempts to hook him up with Rei,
quickly dropped it like a dirty sock. Touji maybe? He didn't know
why, but the thought didn't seem particularly wise. I could go into
the other room and ask Asuka? No, any advice from her would most
likely involve beatdowns. Besides, asking Asuka for romantic counsel
was just far too ironic for him.
Who can help me with this?
David Bever's line was busy. Had it not been busy, he would have
recieved a call at that moment. But it wasn't, so he didn't.
It was busy because he was talking to Rei. "Say, Rei," he said,
"could you do me a favor?"
"What is it?"
"WHAC--that is, the We Hate Asuka Club--is dedicated to the
destruction of any possible relationship between Shinji and Asuka,
because Shinji is our mutual friend and Asuka our mutual enemy. We'd
like your help."
Rei considered this. "In what way?"
"To begin with, we believe that you can assist us in devising
anti-Asuka strategies; you are, after all, a highly intelligent person.
Knowledgeable. Furthermore," continued David, ticking off his points
mentally, "you may be able to play an active role in carrying out
strategies. If you did not mind...romantically attaching yourself to
him...well, that would be an effective Asuka deterrant."
"How can you speak Japanese so well, David?"
"Magic." On the other end of the line, David was grinning
secretively. "But that's beside the point. Can you help us?"
"Does Shinji desire my...my love?"
David flipped a pen in the air and caught it. "Everyone desires
love from someone. But in honesty, I think he's more partial to Asuka.
None of us desire that situation, which is why we formed WHAC. Once
again, can you help us?"
"No," Rei determined after thinking about it. "I have no
particular antipathy for Asuka, nor the reverse for Shinji. Knowing
he is happy with Asuka, I could not feign affection toward him. I am
fairly indifferent to that situation. Besides, Kensuke doens't seem the
most reliable source."
"Kensuke told me that Shinji has...a crush on me."
"That...he's gonna spoil our entire plan! Time is of the
essence, I've got to go. See ya!"
"Goodbye." David hung up, and Rei thought about what he had
You are, after all, a highly intelligent person.
"Hello, Shinji Ikari speaking."
"Rei? Ah, I, that is--"
"Please do not accept my offer of a date. I was misinformed and
acting on false information."
"Misinf...oh? Uh, okay. I don't accept then."
Rei would have breathed a sigh of relief, if she had been anyone
else. But she wasn't given to sighing at all. "I appreciate your
understanding. Goodbye, Shinji."
"What on earth?" Shinji asked himself, trying to sort out the
phone call. Whatever had just transpired, one thing was certain: his
problems, at least for the moment, were solved. So, he put a disk into
his SDAT and voiced his contentment to the tune of "High School Rock" by
"Everybody's rockin' to the high school rock, drivin' moms crazy
with the high school rock, rock rock rockin' to the high school rock and
roll! Yeah, everybody's rockin' to the high school rock..."
"KENSUKE, YOU MORON! YOU WEREN'T ACTING ON ORDERS AT ALL, TRYING
PREMATURELY TO SET UP SHINJI AND REI! IT'S NOT A VIABLE OPTION AT ALL
ANYMORE! THAT'S ONE LESS AVAILABLE PLAN, THANKS TO YOU! WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING? WHAT WERE..."
Jackson Ferrell turned on his midi of "Fly Me to the Moon," stood
up from his computer, and began to speak, as if anyone needed to be
"Hello, everyone. How was the Slurpee, huh? David Luke Ferrell
is my brother, and he's pretty nuts. If you don't like him, no need to
worry, because he will only play a minor role. Primarily comic relief
the Evas vs. Angels scenes.
"I haven't thanked the Huntingtons yet, either," he noted, "so
thanks to them. They're a punk band, pretty good, fun and energetic
music. Further thanks to all of you who read my fics, comment on them,
give suggestions, and generally make this whole thing worthwhile. I
genuinely appreciate you."
"I don't know for certain what the next episode will be. All I
have is an idea. Lots of ideas. I pretty much have ideas for the next
three eps, I just don't know what order they'll be in. So, sorry I've
taken so much time writing each Slurpee, and I'm equally sorry to say it
may be another long wait...oh, man...
"Well, that's all for now. So long, and thanks for reading
this," Jackson said, waving. The midi finished. He turned it off and
would have gone to eat dinner, except that he'd already eaten it.
Dinner, that is, not the midi.