Tina's World Mystery Science Theater Too (Continued)!!!


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Rick: Slow night on interstate 96.

   The three Warrior Scouts
Tsuneo: Make up your mind, for crying out loud!
   looked at each other and nodded.  "If that's how you want it,"
   Jupiter replied.  With a yell, she ran for Sailor Moon.  The mohawked girl
   grinned and easily parried the strike.
Tsuneo: Er, if I recall, she's using a javelin. You don't just charge someone with that.
Dan: And where are their nifty powers? Thunder Dragon her into oblivion, I say.
Rick: Yeah! She could have Tesla-zapped her from half-way across the screen by now.
   However, this gave Venus and Mars an opening.  Hurt, Sailor Moon
   staggered back. 
Rick: So she's hurt just from parrying.
Tsuneo: It never said they actually TOOK that opening, did it?
Rebecca: Or did they just move so fast that the author can't keep up?
   "Looks as if I underestimated you,"
Rick: Yup, fresh out of villains school.
Rebecca: [Darth Vader] Never underestimate the power of the cute side.
Dan: That was scary.
   she panted, catching her breath.  "A mistake to be rectified now!"
   Fingers splayed, she emitted a wave of dark energy towards the scouts.
Rebecca: So why didn't you do that earlier?
Tsuneo: Fanfic rules of combat. a) The more incomprehensible, the better; b) no-one thinks during a battle and c) save the actually useful attacks for last.
   They fell, doubled over in pain.  With what couldn't quite be called
   a smile, the future Moon turned to Serena. 
Rick: There's a lot of that going around. The dread not-quite-smiling disease.
   "Oh no," Serena cried, backing away.  "Mercury, where are you?"
Rick: Typically 57.9 million km from the sun.
Dan: That was freaky.
Tsuneo: Is that a set-up or what.

Dan: Drat. Now I owe him a groat.
   gave a perplexed look to Sailor Earth.  "Can you stop them?" she
Tsuneo: [Mercury] You're the one with the remote control.
   Sailor Earth looked as the two Rinis stared each other down.  "I
   don't know... I've never seen anything like this before..."
Rick: [Kryten] No-one has. Apparently, it's a white hole.
   The Rinis were at a standoff.  They didn't seem happy to meet
   alternate versions of themselves.
Rebecca: People very rarely are.
Dan: Trust me. I know.
   "I'm the real Rini!" 

   "No, I am, you green-haired freak!" 
Tsuneo: So we all agreee on that point.
Rick: You're both little mutie freaks!
   "Why you-"
Tsuneo: Whoah, pause again. [Fanfic pauses.] Can I point out another glaring hole in the plot here? If the future Rini doesn't know about the other one, then she wouldn't be in this timeline, unless she's somehow NOT in Sailor Time's future. This can't happen!
Rick: Careful. Your head's about to explode.
Tsuneo: No, serious. I really think that one is important.
Dan: Whatever. But in the meantime, how about we get this over with as quickly as possible? Play! [Tape resumes.]
   CLAP!  Mercury clapped and put on her most businesslike demeanor.
   "All right, lets not get irate...  We need to save Serena," she directed
   to Sailor Time. 
Rick: Alright, scene 1, take 1, action!
   "And we need to help Dad," Sailor Earth said, guiding Sailor Moon
   towards the Tower.  She looked at Mercury.  "Gee, it seems as if we're
   working for the same thing.  Why don't we work together?" 
Rebecca: 'Cause you're a little mutie freak!
   "I think that would be a grand idea,"
Rick: [Posh] Oh, aren't we grand?
   Mercury smiled.  "What do you think, Sailor Time?" 
Tsuneo: I.. Naw.
Rebecca: I think cabbage stinks.
Rick: What?
Dan: I think it's devil spirits.
Rick: What?
Rebecca: If I said what I'd wanted to, I would have been clobbered.
   "Grrrr..." said Rini.  Suddenly there was a great flash.
Rick: [Bloodnok] You filthy swines!
   "What was that?" both Rinis asked.
Rick: A big man in a trenchcoat.
Tsuneo: A guy in a silly red costume.
Dan: A space hero from the future.
Rebecca: A badly spelt toilet.
      -------Five Minutes Earlier------
Tsuneo: That's quite a while in this fanfic. I don't think they've been in that tower-
Rick: Dark dimension.
Tsuneo: [Ignoring him] -for five minutes. What gives?
Rick: Smile and nod.
Rebecca: The perils of multi-authouring.
   Rubeus struggled under the cane of Tuxedo Mask.
Tsuneo: That's a dang big cane.
   "It seems I can't defeat you in a fair fight."
Rebecca: Man, you couldn't even beat an egg.
Dan: Since when did he fight fair?
   He broke away and stepped back.  "Too bad I don't play fair."
Tsuneo: [Slowly] Fight. This is what is called a fight. Two people are trying to kill each other. I don't think this is a game, do you?
   He crouched, gaining an aura of dark energy.
Tsuneo: I can see it coming...
   Tuxedo Mask paused, unfazed.  "You're outclassed here, Rubeus.  I've
   learned a few tricks since last we met."  He began to glow, with energy
   focusing at the tip of his cane. 
Tsuneo: You're stain!
   Sailor Moon and Serena both turned in time to see the two men rushing
   towards each other, both glowing and giving off immense amounts of energy.
   "Dark Moon Crash!!" Rubeus yelled.  "Kamen Cane Strike!!" screamed Tuxedo.
Tsuneo: Mask.
   Both Serena and Sailor Moon gasped, "Don't do it!" 
Dan: Oh, god...
Rebecca: Megaton Lay!
Rick: Zeo Megasword!
Tsuneo: Godslayer of hit points!
   Suddenly there was a great flash. 
Rebecca: No, I can't do it again.
Rick: [Michael Palin] That was never five minutes!
      Chapter 16 by Double E. 

Rick: The plot went thataway!

[All quickly turn their head snad stare to the right for a second, then back to the screen]

   A crash of thunder
Rebecca: Thunder obviously needs more driving lessons.
   woke up the sleeping occupant of the ship.  She turned her great
   green eyes
Tsuneo: Oh, great green eyes, transport our unworthy souls from this fanfic.
   toward the viewport.  A planet was rapidly approaching.  Too rapidly
   she thought dismally.
Rick: So she hit it and died. The end.
Tsuneo: That's my line!
   She had been trapped on this ship, not really more than a capsule,
   for so long that she had no idea what was going on anywhere. 
All: Join the club!
Rick: So how do you get thunder inside a tiny little capsule?
Rebecca: Maybe a quantum weather butterfly got caught in there as well.
Dan: A what?
Rebecca: The bloody butterfly in Beijing that flaps its wings and causes storms in California.
Dan: Oookaaay.
   Punching in a few commands,
Tsuneo: Take that! And that!
Dan: Stupid pod never listens to me! Take that!
   she retrieved the data file from the computer. The screen read:
       Name- Earth
       Grav.- normal
    The screen showed a picture of a lush green world. Looking outside, she
    saw a sick yellow-black place.
Rick: Obviously, the computer focused on L.A.
   This is my kind of place, she thought.
Dan: A sick yellow-black place for a sick yellow-black woman.
Tsuneo: [Announcer] Planets tailored to your liking! Just call 555-WE-OWN- YOUR-ASSS today!
   Suddenly, the light above her head flashed.
Rebecca: [Woman] AARGH! Indecent exposure by a light bulb!
Tsuneo: Who's flogging a dead horse?
   Looking behind her, she saw the ship's main power crystal had melted.
Tsuneo: Erm, given the described size of the capsule, wouldn't she be incinerated by that?
Dan: And do crystals melt anyway?
   The capsule's course became erratic, and a tall dark tower loomed in
   front of her ship.
Tsuneo: [Woman] No, officer, I was not drunk, I was flying along happily and this tower leapt out in front of me.
   Her eyes widened, and she grabbed the desk
Tsuneo: A desk in _how_ big a ship?
   just as the ship went through the ceiling of the room with a crash.
Rick: Leaving a stunned bandicoot lying on the floor.
   Rubeus and Tuxedo Mask looked up to see a small spacecraft
All: Capsule!
   plunge though the wall.  Both of them looked surprised.
Rick: You would too.
Rebecca: Unless this sort of thing happened to you EVERY day. Which I doubt.
Dan: Don't laugh.
   The metal creaked, and what looked like what should have been a door
Rick: So... What then was it?
   She was tall, with very long, very bright red hair.  She raised her
   arms to the ceiling.  "Ah, what a wondeful welcoming committee!  I arrive
   to see all your smiling faces, none of which I recognize."  Her bright
   green eyes went over all of them, one by one.  She stopped cold when her
   gaze reached Rubeus.  Her eyes widened in recognition.
Tsuneo: She didn't recognize anyone, remember?
Rick: How about that one? Gross inconsistency in the same paragraph.
Rebecca: If those eyes get any wider, they're going to take over the world.
   They both stared at one another. 
Dan: Wow, that _is_ cross-eyed.

Rebecca: [Dorothy] Auntie Em!
Rick: Your brother... My son... Your lover...
Others: HUH?
Rick: Yeah, yeah, I know, only two people got that one as well.
   "What?!?!" the others screamed. 
Tsuneo: They said 'Sister' and 'Brother.'
Rebecca: And 'Auntie Em.'
Tsuneo: [Sarcastically] Hah ha.
Rick: Are you guys deaf or something?
      Chapter 17 by Silver. 
Rick: Any relative of Silver Starrrrr [Rolls 'R'], I wonder?


Rick: Naah... We've done that to death.

   "Garnetia!  What are YOU doing here?!" asked Rubeus to the newcomer.
Rick: [Garnetia] Since you seem to be doing moderately well, I thought I'd come along and mess up your plans just to save you the bother.
   "You should know,
Dan: But she's going to tell him anyway.
   you're the one who got me exiled from the Dark Kingdom in the first
   place!" Garnetia yelled back. 
Dan: See?
   "Me?!  I had nothing to do with it, it wasn't MY fault that you got
   caught trying to assassinate the Wiseman and take over rule of the Dark
   Moon kingdom!" 
Tsuneo: Explaining a fragment of plot to the audience in the meantime.
Dan: Excuse me, but don't we have a fight to get on with? You know, rescue, good versus evil, that kind of thing?
Rebecca: Aah, this is too good. Put the fight on hold to watch the domestics.
Dan: This whole scene seems rather familiar...
   "It was YOU who betrayed me in the first place!  I should have known
   my LITTLE brother had no guts or ambition."  She threw her hands up in
Tsuneo: And they bounced off the roof and hit her on the head on the way down.
Rick: Sick boy.
Rebecca: You're right, Dan, it does.
   "No guts?!
Rick: You got that right.
Tsuneo: No talent, certainly.
   Well I have more magical power than you a hundred times over!!
Rebecca: Very, very familiar.
Dan: Don't remind me.
   You, you, you spoiled brat!  No wonder Dad liked me better than you!"
Dan: That's my line!
Tsuneo: Er... Does someone mind explaining this to me?
Dan: No.
Rebecca: He's talking about himself and his evil twin sister.
Tsuneo: You're joking, right?
Dan: No.
Tsuneo: Please?
Dan: No.
   "Liked you better?!  You're the spoiled brat!  I can't believe that
   you haven't been killed yet for your stupidity by Wiseman!"
All: Neither can we!
Rebecca: [Muttering] Although I have a good idea why.
   Out came the tongues
Tsuneo: And flopped around on the floor.
Rick: Sicko.
   as they glared at each other. 
Dan: What ever happened to maturity?
Rebecca: What's this a fanfic of, pray tell?
Dan: Touché.
   The Mohawked One came up to them. "Ummm.... excuse me Master, but we
   have the Scouts to deal with... maybe you can argue about this later?
Rebecca: [Garnetia] Naw... We'll just have a fun little fight here and let them get away.
Tsuneo: [Ditto] Thus exposing yet another hole in the plot and some remarkably bad writing.
   Garnetia turned to her.  "And who is this new lackey of yours today?
All: [Singing] I should be a lackey, lackey, lackey, lackey...
   Never could depend on your own powers to get the job done, eh?" 
All: Nope.
Rebecca: Geez, she's got as high an opinion of him as we do.
   Rubeus clenched his fists.  "Shut up!  Just shut up!
Tsuneo: No! This is our job!
   I'll have you know that this person was once my most hated enemy and
   now I have her working on my side against her former allies."
Rick: Big whoop.
Tsuneo: Which is of course a marvellous reason to place all your trust in her.
Dan: You can see it coming, can't you?
   "Allies?  You mean the people who just left?"
[Dead silence.]
Tsuneo: Oh, man... And I thought this was bad before...
Dan: No-one's THAT stupid... are they?
Rebecca: I will refrain from answering that one.
   "What?!"  He turned towards the room.  It was empty.
Tsuneo: Save for himself, his sister, his lackey and any number of disposable monsters-of-the-minute that might be standing around.
Rick: Add to that the vines, the crashed capsule with its desk and melted crystal...
Rebecca: And the discarded hoods and bonds.
Dan: And no less than two summoned swords.
Tsuneo: And any number of plot holes.
      Chapter 18 by Zang.
All: ZANG!!!


   ".... they're gone..."
Tsuneo: A brilliant observation. Especially considering it's coming from a total moron.
   A sickly gray pallor came over Rubeus' face. "Gar--ne--tia---"
Dan: [Rubeus] What--did--you--put--in--my--lunch?
Rick: Must--stop--talking--like--William--Shatner.
   "Oh, were you keeping them here for some special reason or something?
Tsuneo: [Rubeus] Yeah! They made my living room look nice and cosy.
   Then it's too bad you let them escape, now isn't it."
Rick: WHO let them escape?
Rebecca: I certainly didn't see his lackey doing anything.
Tsuneo: She was probably as stunned as we were.
   She smiled cattily as Rubeus' face darkened with rage.  "Oh, does
   wittle Wubeus want his big sister Garnetia to make evwything all better?"
Dan: [Rubeus] No, widdle Wubeus wants his bis sister to go to hell and stop talking like a moron.
Rebecca: That's going to be very, very hard for her.
   If looks could kill... well, let's just say Garnetia would be in less
   than perfect health.
All: We wish.
   She was fully aware of this fact, and it pleased her to no end.
Rick: What, that she'd be dead by now?
   He moved towards her, fists clenched, mouth open with a return to her
   comment.  At the snap of her fingers, he froze.
Dan: [Rubeus] Geez, its cold in here!
Rick: [Ditto] Man, I should have installed central heating!
   "Nnn nnn nnn, brother," she chided, waggling a finger.  "It's not
   polite to talk back."  She turned to Sailor Moon, who had been trying her
   best to become invisible.
Dan: Demonstrating some pretty neat-o new powers that she got by turning evil.
Rebecca: Of course, if she could have turned invisible, why didn't she use it earlier during the fight to...
Rick: Smile and nod and buy more ammo.
   "Yo, Mohawk-girl."

   "Yes ma'am!" 

   "Bring me all the information you can find on these people my brother is
   after.  They may be useful..."  As Sailor Moon scuttled off,
Dan: And now she can turn into a crab.
Rebecca: No, Mars is the crabby one.
Tsuneo: Ouch. That was just plain bad.
   Garnetia walked to the still frozen Rubeus.
Tsuneo: [Garnetia] Whoops! Silly me, just snapped off one of your fingers.
   "I know you can hear me.  This is just a taste of my power.
Rick: [Announcer] Do not be alarmed, this is only a test.
Rebecca: So what, your power comes in various flavors?
Tsuneo: [Kid] I wanna chocolate ripple freeze ray!
   You will regret ever having had me banished from the Dark Kingdom."
Tsuneo: Has that got anything to do with the Dark Dimension or the Dark Tower?
      Chapter 19 by Adam. 

Rick: Last chapter! Hooray!

   Garnetia had a plan.
Tsuneo: Which would show her family resemblance by failing miserably.
Rebecca: [Garnetia] I've got it! I'll play bad science fiction movies to the world, so their brains turn to mush, then I take over!
Dan: Naw. No-one would ever dream up something that stupid.
   She began leafing through the information her brother's lackey had
   gathered for her, grinning.  Not only would she be able to rule over the
   rest of the world, she'd be able to get back at her brother while she was
   at it! 
Tsuneo: [Brain] Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Rick: [Pinky] I think so Brain, but Tom Servo versus Tina's World?
   The perfect plan. 
Rick: And she would have gotten away with it too-
All: If not for those rotten kids and their mangy mutt.
      Somewhere outside the Dark Tower---
Tsuneo: Tower today. Dimension tomorrow.
Dan: News at eleven.
   Tuxedo Mask landed, cradling Serena in his arms.  The other scouts
   landed beside him. 
Rick: [Flight controller] Four scouts and one man in dumb costume clear to land on runway two-nine.
Tsuneo: [Ditto] Watch out for burning Atomic Fireflash plane and Thunderbird One.
Rick: Gee, about two people got that one.
   "Where'd you come from?"
Dan: [Tuxedo Mask] Well, legend has it the stork bought me...
   Rei demanded harshly of the tuxedo-clad figure.
Rick: See! Told you, Sailor Mercury is Rei Ayanami! I betcha Unit 00's lurking nearby.
Dan: Yeah... Except that she isn't here right now, and that's Mars' Japanese spelling.
Rebecca: Fanboy.
   "It's a long story," he sighed, beginning to recount it to them... 
Dan: I'll get the popcorn.
Tsuneo: I'll get the pillows.
Rick: I'll get the fire axe.
      Chapter 20 by Sailor Dragon. 

Tsuneo: And the end! Hooray!

   More still to come!
All: YARG!!!!!
Rebecca: [Gets up from seat] Must... destroy... TV...
Dan: [Grabs her] Enough already. It's over. Calm down.
Rick: I suppose that means we can go now?
Voice: Not quite. I got you guys in here for reviews, so I need your individual assessments of the fanfic.
Tsuneo: You suck!
Rick: It all sucks!
Voice: Properly, please.
Rebecca: PROPER REVIEW?!? You want a PROPER REVIEW??!?! OK THEN! The subject matter stinks to high heaven. The charcters are awful and obnoxious. The actual fic is terrible, with the writing ranging to bland to deadly bad. There are more plot holes than you can begin to imagine, and more inconsistencies than "Star Trek: Generations!" The writers seem to spend all their time trying to contradict one another, and don't seem to have a shred of talent between the lot of them. There! That's a proper reveiw!
Rick: [Hiding behind couch] I think she covered what I had to say.
Voice: Er... Someone more objective?
Tsuneo: It's not as bad as they say. The absolute worst thing was the gross inconsistencies - Sailor Warriors and scouts, dark tower or dark dimension. The writers paid minimal attention to the previous parts simply so they could put in their own stuff, rather than bothering with attention to detail.
Dan: Well... The characters were done blandly but okay. They were more of caricatures for the most part, ie: Serena unrelentingly whiny, Rei slapping her in the first actual chapter and so forth. The worst part for me was the way the characters got so mangled: Sailor Time, the Warriors, future Mars and Jupiter, Mohawk Moon, future moon and earth, and stuff like that. Finally, some authors didn't even think about what they were writing, and just dumped in totally stupid chapters.
Voice: Er... well, thanks, I guess.
Rick: Can we go now?
Voice: Yeah, okay. But there's still more fanfics to be done later on.
Tsuneo: And just what guarantee is there that we'll come back?
Voice: Well, there were the contract you signed in the interval...
Dan: Damn you.
Rick: I knew we shouldn't have signed them in blood.
Rebecca: Good thing I used Dan's.
Dan: Hey!
Voice: See you, guys.

[They file out and the screen goes black.]

Voice: Heh, heh...


Coming soon:
    Homecomings: A Tenchi Muyo!/El Hazard crossover.
    Surreptitious Encounters: A Tenchi Muyo/Evangelion crossover lemon (supposedly)
    Objective: Reflex Point: A Robotech original flavor fanfic from hell.
    Pretty T'sentraeti Sailor Naia: The parody fic of your worst nightmares!
    Indiana Macross and the Temple of Purists: The most in-joke laden parody ever!
And more...


Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis & Jinas (rickr@one.net.au)

Dan & Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas)
Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis).

Jinas' world:
     RPG info, amateur fanfics and official Bubblegum Crossfire material.

Rick's Mecha Madness Page:
     AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only
     Common Sense Timeline and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine.

Thanks to Tina (tina97@mailexcite.com) for being such a good sport.

> Rubeus clenched his fists.  "Shut up!  Just shut up!

Tsuneo: No! This is our job!

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