First: There are spoilers in all fanfics. Just in some more than
others. So be careful of that. Thoughts, by the way, are in italics, like this: [thought]. Computer stuff is like
this: --[computer thing]--.
Second: These characters and this setting are not my creation. They're owned by Gainax, who released the Eva videos and thus is my friend. As always, any songs involved are by Five Iron Frenzy, except for the kung fu rap, which is from Parappa the Rapper, a video game. I'm only borrowing these people, like I said before. I'll give them back when I'm done.
Third: This is a no-hentai environment.
Fourth: Here's the fanfic. Dig it, mac-daddy.
"Gendo Ikari, NERV," Gendo Ikari stoically announced into the
"Yes, Commander Ikari. Concerning two things. To begin with, there's the issue of the Fourth Child. We have informed you of our
potential candidate, correct?"
"And you are aware of the problem of his age and perceived
"Indeed. Please, make your point."
"Do not forget, Commander, that NERV is merely a subdivision of
SEELE. A NERV commander is nothing but a lieutenant to us." The voice
paused. "Well. Although your Marduk Report program indicates that he
more than capable of successful Evangelion operation, SEELE's event
simulation computers predict synchronization failure in all cases, and
3 of 7 cases potentially fatal failure."
"Your point, please." Gendo Ikari was becoming irate.
"Patience is a virtue, Ikari. We would be grateful if your
Magi would kindly analyze the situation. Our synchronization analysis
for subject 0015021 has been faxed to you already. And, incidentally,
your request for a specialized pilot trainer has been granted." If the
voice were not hostile already, it became so. "Don't fail us,
Commander. You know what is at stake here. Goodbye."
Gendo hung up the phone. "Failure is not even an option, at this
point," he told his office. He sighed.
Shin Slurpee Evangelion
SLURPEE 0:2 - It's All In The Mind
Asuka extended her AT field, preparing for combat, when she
remembered her limited power supply. Averting her weapon's aim from the
Angel, she looked around to spot the umbilical cable.
About two hundred yards back, surrounded by trees, was a metal
structure almost as tall as an Evangelion. It was arc-shaped, smooth,
and simple, except for the angular, plug-like box attached at its
It was this box that could provide energy to power an Evangelion
indefinitely; Asuka therefore made directly for it.
"Hah!" she exclaimed, backing her Unit 02 squarely into the plug.
It clicked into place, and, as Asuka moved away, a wire attaching her
mecha to the arc-structure trailed behind her.
Asuka returned her attention to the Angel. Kneeling and
targeting, she unleashed a round of laser fire on its head. Or rather,
she tried to. The Angel quickly retracted its cranium into its shell,
and armor plates closed top-to-bottom over the opening. The shell
absorbed the blast, heating and cooling in less than a second.
"%$#," Asuka said, her words censored by Jackson the prude.
The Angel, extending its head again, advanced out of the water.
Asuka fell back and hastily fired another burst, which missed its mark.
It was absorbed, like the last, by her adversary's seemingly
At this point, the Angel appeared to tire of its defensive
position. From its third eye shot a thin, steady stream of white light.
Upon contact with Eva-02, the light converted to intense heat energy,
the external temperature of the red robot suddenly reached 500 Kelvins.
Asuka screamed. This was infinitely hotter than anything she'd
experienced during the volcano incident. A tree, touching her ankle,
burst into flames.
In Cincinnati, Ohio, The United States of America, David Bever
was watching some of his old Gundam Wing tapes.
"I seem to be having some difficulty with my lifestyle," Shinji
told the bathroom mirror.
He was, of course, in the bathroom, staring at his reflection.
Outside, Touji and Kensuke could be heard scuffling. "I don't CARE how
much sugar I've had, I'm drinking the last root beer!" Kensuke yelled.
"Give me that!"
"I mean, why do I care about her at all? Why can I even stand
her?" continued Shinji. A whump resounded as something, presumeably
heavy, hit the bathroom door. "She's so mean to me. She always pushes
me around and everything."
Shinji scratched his head. "She's such a jerk, and her voice is
downright annoying." As he paused, Touji shouted something about
dish-towels of vengeance. His voice became muffled, and Shinji began
speaking again. "But she's so...I don't know. Confident, cheerful,
Shinji continued talking to himself quietly. Outside the
bathroom, Touji removed a cleaning rag from his mouth and stood. "Okay,
no more Mr. Nice Guy. Face the wrath of my...COUCH PILLOW!"
"She doesn't need anyone. And she doesn't seem to like me at
all. I'm such a wimp, a loser, like she says. How can--ahhh!" Shinji
jumped back, halting in mid-self-deprecation, as the bathroom door slid
open and Kensuke lunged haphazardly through it, bearing a cushion.
"Come join us, Shinji!" Touji said, entering and clobbering his
other, cushion-toting friend. "Pillow fight!"
Shinji shrugged. "All right." He left to arm himself, stepping
carefully over the drawer of spoons in front of the door.
When the pain and heat subsided to a dull warmness in her left
leg, Asuka quickly surveyed her Eva's status while devising a strategy.
"Armor integrity at 71%. Crap!" She considered the nature of the
Angel's attack, which seemed primarily defensive in nature. It now
marched away from the coast at a very slow pace, and it had previously
only reciprocated in attacking. As an afterthought, Asuka stomped out
the small tree fire at her feet.
She contemplated the nature of her adversary's attack. She had
fired a laser volley, and it had retaliated with lasers.
She reached a conclusion.
Drawing its progressive knife, Eva-02 rushed in. It hurled
itself through the AT Field shoulder-first and hit the Angel's head with
all of its weight. It followed through with three prog-knife stabs,
smashed the third eye with a roundhouse kick. At this same moment, said
third eye emitted another laser beam, searing Eva-02's (and thus
foot. Nonetheless, she ignored the pain and continued attacking.
The Angel suffered an uppercut and three more kicks that pushed
its head into its crystalline shell. This it clamped up as it had
before. It did the same with its legs, fully retracting into the shell,
which Asuka continued to attack.
She was rather surprised when it exploded.
A few hours later, Asuka bordered on sleep on a New San Francisco
hospital bed, an IV needle sticking into her left arm. Her body was
bruised and scraped, but she didn't particularly feel any pain. In part
because of anesthetic, in part since she was so tired, and in part
because she was thinking.
Shinji is the worst kisser I've ever seen, she thought.
She continued to contemplate. I swear, he's got to learn some relational skills if he's going to get anywhere. Like me, you don't see me going around kissing the first thing I see. Then again, all the boys around me are such immature morons. It must be tough for Shinji, since he's surrounded by the glow of my greatness all the time. Yes, he must have lost his head from exposure to my greatness. He's such a wuss; there we go.
Asuka closed her eyes and began humming, ironically, "Most Likely To Succeed."
Jackson Ferrell informed his readers that "Most Likely To
Succeed" is a song by Five Iron Frenzy. It is about trying to get ahead
at the expense of others.
In a few minutes, Misato walked into the hospital room.
Surveying the dull, white accommodations, she remarked, "I never have
liked hospitals. They smell like a pool with too much chlorine."
"Hi, Misato," Asuka mumbled sleepily. Her eyelids opened a bit.
"Hello, Asuka. ...So, what're you doing in here?"
"Thinking. Not much else to do."
Misato found a chair, in which she sat. "Thinking about anything
"Incompetent Third-Child Shinji."
"Hmmm. I heard how he volunteered for this mission in your
stead, you know. Pretty nice of him, especially with his dislike for
Asuka turned a bit in her hospital bed. "He just hates it
because he's no good. If he'd apply himself to training, he'd like it
more. And besides, how can it be nice if he didn't get to pilot for
"It's the thought that counts," Misato said. She paused, then
stood. "I'm going to see if the vending machine has any beer."
"Good luck," Asuka muttered, closing her eyes again. Misato left.
Friday morning, which was the following morning, Shinji woke up
staring straight into the face of PenPen.
"What the OWWWW aghhh! OW! OW! What the heck is going on?!"
asked Shinji loudly, scrambling to his feet, bonking his head on the
bathtub faucet, screaming, and falling back down into the bathtub. He
rubbed his head, then noticed that his back was sore as well. If one
has ever slept in a bathtub, one is well aware of the reason for this.
PenPen squawked. He hopped off the edge of the tub and waddled out of the bathroom.
Once he had gathered his senses and determined that Touji and
Kensuke had played some vile trick on him, Shinji brushed his teeth,
showered, dressed, checked the time, panicked, grabbed a cherry pop-tart
and dashed out the door. On the way out he quickly picked up his
Shinji yawned. He was having trouble focusing on the
lesson...heck, he was having trouble focusing on keeping his eyes open.
He was having trouble keeping his head up. He was having trouble
as his computer screen indicated.
--th seqcond IMpacT was a was TREM endous setbak to humannn civizatIOn as--
Sensing himself drifting off again, Shinji shook his head, as if
hoping to dislodge all somnabulence from it. He tried to type some more
notes, but was interrupted by a message from Kensuke:
--It's Asuka, isn't it?--
--yEah--, Shinji replied sleepily.
--Meet me outside at lunch. We'll talk about it.--
Shinji yawned again and returned to his studies. Last time I
ever stay up that late on a school night, he thought, typing out another barely legible sentence.
The day was a stark contrast to Shinji's semi-somnolent state.
The sky was clear and blue, almost entirely cloudless, and the sun shone
radiantly almost directly overhead. Trees bore leaves of vibrant and
interesting shades of half-green, while a light wind tossed them around
like paper airplanes. It was a very energetic day, one that Shinji
prefer to spend in his bed.
He yawned again. Beside him, Kensuke pulled out a perfectly
normal tuna sandwich.
"You mean to tell me that, all this time, *glomp* you'fe bin 'n
love wif Asuka?" he asked, taking the first bite of his sandwich.
Shinji nodded sleepily. "'Ou gotta be kidding me. Th'same *swallow*
Asuka who's given to punching people, who thinks all boys are perverts,
who thinks she is the purpose for the existence of the universe? What
the heck d'you see in her?"
Shinji leaned over a railing, looking down two stories at the
schoolyard. "I don't know, really. Maybe something I don't have.
She's happy so often, really full of energy. She's hot too, I dunno."
"You're nuts, Shinji," Kensuke declared, shaking his head. He
took another bite of sandwich. "You need to do some dancing!"
"No! I'm not. I'm not."
"I'm serious, you need to. Ayanami's pretty cute, you ought to ask her to the dance tonight. You two have a lot in common, you know."
Shinji gritted his teeth as Kensuke ate more of the sandwich. "I don't feel that way about her. She's...she's not like Asuka."
"I'd think that would be a good thing!" Kensuke exclaimed
incredulously. "There's no way Asuka's going to like you back. C'mon,
just yesterday she socked you in the gut. Give her up, man!"
"I can't," Shinji sighed. "Love doesn't work like that. I wish it did..."
Kensuke finished off his sandwich. "You got problems. Sorry I can't help, but I've offered my suggestions. I'm gonna find Touji now;
Kensuke shrugged and left. He almost bumped into Rei.
"Oh, hi, Rei! Umm, say, we were just talking about you," --at
this point Shinji turned around violently from his spot on the railing--
"And Shinji said he'd like to go to the dance tonight with you."
"There is a dance tonight?" Rei quietly asked, her face flushing slightly.
At the same time, Shinji shouted, "I did not!"
By some amazing feat of hearing, Kensuke heard the First Child
and ignored the Third. "Yeah, a school dance tonight at seven. Shinji,
here, would love to take you, you know."
"Misato is away. He wouldn't have a ride."
"Yeah," Shinji exclaimed loudly, "I wouldn't have a ride! Nice try, you--"
"Oh, that's all right," Kensuke interjected casually, "I'll get my dad to pick you two up. Say, six-thirty or so."
Rei shook her head. "I would prefer not to dance."
"Come on," Kensuke protested, much to Shinji's dismay, "My friend here is absolutely dying to take you to the school dance." He threw an
arm over Shinji's shoulder. "How can you be so cruel? He really likes
you, and all you can do is throw dirt in his face!"
"I must refuse," Rei said. Shinji squirmed in his friend's death grip. "I am sorry, Shinji. Goodbye." She left, despite Kensuke's
shouts of protest.
"Hold up! It'll be a blast! He's a good dancer! Stop walking away! ...man. There goes another great opportunity you've blown.
"Excuse me," gasped Shinji, "but I'm having trouble breathing
"Whoops." Kensuke released his hold on Shinji, who dropped to
the pavement like a rock. "I swear, man, I could've hooked you guys up
if you hadn't been so darn belligerent."
At NERV headquarters, about four thousand feet down and a bit to the left, a figure clad in a light-blue karate gi coughed. Startled,
Doctor Ritsuko Akagi sat upright and turned. "Excuse me," said the
figure with polite dignity, "I am searching for the talented and wise
Commander Ikari. A NERV scientist of your great rank must know of his
"Indeed," Ritsuko slowly said. "Could I see some ID and
The figure bowed, reaching into a bag that he was carrying. "I believe this will suffice." He pulled out a few stapled sheets of
Ritsuko scrutinized the papers. "So, you're the new pilot
trainer," she mused. "Yes. Let's see, if you exit through that door
follow the blue stripes to the left, you should arrive at his office. I
think you'll need an access card, too...let me find you a temporary
"You are most kind," stated the figure. Ritsuko nodded as she
searched for a temporary access card.
About ten minutes later, Gendo Ikari turned around, hearing his
door slide open. He swiveled his chair around, seeing a karate-attired
man with a large head. "...well. You must be the Evangelion pilot
"Indeed I am, wise Ikari-san," said the man, bowing. "I bid you welcome."
"...yes." Gendo bowed stiffly in return. "Well. The Second
Child is currently overseas, dealing with an Angel, so you will begin
training our pilots as soon as she returns. Might I ask what your
training program consists of?"
"I am glad you asked." From his bag, the man pulled more papers. "My techniques are designed to unite body with soul, achieving
synchronity with one's surroundings through rap music and exercise.
Since your pilots must unite their minds with their respective
Evangelion robots, I believe this program will be beneficial for each of them.
Now, specifically, if we will observe this packet..."
The two bent over a sheet of music as the new Eva trainer
explained the aural nuances of his songs.
The apartment was empty. It had been empty since Shinji returned
from school, and it remained empty. As he prepared a dinner of a peanut
butter sandwich and a few pears, he reflected on the emptiness of his
It's so silent. Man, I miss Asuka...I hope she's all right.
He sliced a pear into small wedges.
It's just not the same around here. He looked around. It would be nice if Asuka were here to insult me right now. I wouldn't
mind it, just so I could hear her voice. It is not good to be alone for a
long time, and Shinji's thoughts concerning his fellow pilot's amazingly
irritating voice were evidence of this. I wish she'd do that...
Asuka sat in the hospital waiting room, wishing she had money for
a drink, when she suddenly announced, "Shinji is a dolt!" The
seemingly random act startled her, and, after a few seconds' pause, she
asked herself, "Where did that come from?" Dismissing her train of
thought's abrupt track switch, she returned to her previous activity of
The doctors had confirmed her recovery, and as she waited Misato was signing her out.
Back in Tokyo-3, Shinji chewed his pear quietly. "I wish she
cared," he said to the toaster. Opening the refrigerator, he got out a
soda. "I wish anyone cared." As he ate, he noted that the soda did a
good job of washing down his peanut butter sandwich. They went well
together, seemingly unlike himself and anyone else.
While the later two Children contemplated their respective
plights, Rei watched Yan Can Cook. She took copious notes as Martin Yan
explained the ancient Chinese symbolism of the lotus root, as well as
own symbolism. She watched attentively as he skillfully chopped up
peppers and used the flat of his meat cleaver to crush garlic. She
observed with interest the Yan family wok and listened as Yan talked
about his family in China.
As Martin Yan ended his show, cheerfully proclaiming that "Yan
can cook in China, so can you!", Rei sighed quietly. If one were given
to studying her mouth with great precision, one might have noticed after
a bit of observation that its corners were very slightly turned upward.
A bit later, Asuka peered out the plane's window at the Pacific
Ocean below, feeling recovered and glad to return. It had been nice of
NERV to pay for plane tickets back, so that she wouldn't have to ride in
that bare-bones Eva transport plane. Misato, next to her, was snoring
away, having drank one too many in-flight beers. Asuka grinned.
I can't wait to get back home. I'll have to get updates on all the latest rumors from Hikari. And assignments. And I can see Kaji again! Misato said he'd meet us at the airport. He's such a nice
guy...and he doesn't lose his head from being exposed to my greatness!
Unlike Shinji. All the boys at school are such perverts. I haven't
A thought struck her. What's up with Shinji, though? I never
thought he'd have the guts to kiss me like that. Until now, I'd thought
he was up there with Wondergirl for 'Least Number of Hormones.'
Ah, who cares. She pulled out some light reading material and began to read. Life is too good to worry about that right
"Hi, PenPen!" Asuka shouted two hours later, entering the
apartment. She knelt to talk to the penguin. "It's good to be back.
Misato-san is at NERV HQ, wrapping things up; don't worry, she'll be
soon. Did you miss us? Has--" She looked up, seeing Shinji watching
her. "Oh, like you've never talked to him before!"
"Wel...welcome back, Asuka." Shinji averted his gaze nervously.
"Can we, well, talk?"
Asuka stood. PenPen, no longer the center of her attention,
waddled toward the bathroom. "What's this about?" When Shinji didn't
answer her, she asked again, "Well, what is it? Come on."
"I think I'm in love with you," Shinji failed to say.
"I think you owe me a slurpee," he said instead.
"A slurpee?!" Asuka looked surprised. "I come back after
injuring myself saving the world from another Angel, I sit through a
stuffy flight up in LCL, and all that's on your mind is a stupid
And besides, it was me that beat the Angel; I don't owe you
"There weren't any conditions, though."
"Yes there were! I said I'd get you a slurpee IF you went over
to beat that Angel for me!" fumed Asuka.
"You didn't say I had to go fight it in your stead. You just
said that you'd buy me a slurpee. Your exact words were, 'I'll buy you
slurpee or something, once you get back.'" Shinji responded
level-headedly, although inside he was out of his skull with
self-loathing. Why am I doing this? he asked himself.
After considering this, Asuka conceded defeat. "You win. Let's
go get your dumb slurpee. I can't believe that's the only thing on your
"It's not, you're on my mind too," Shinji failed to say.
"Okay," he said instead.
Shinji and Asuka sat at a table, slurpees in hand, at a 7-Eleven.
Things were pretty silent, as Shinji contemplated that which Shinji is
given to contemplation of. Asuka just sipped her red slurpee. Finally,
our fearless hero asked, "What did the Angel look like, anyway?"
"Like a giant turtle with three eyes. I think it was absorbing
my laser fire and shooting it back. I beat it with my prog-knife. And
look, it gave me burn marks. See?" She showed Shinji her arm, which
still a bit red. He nodded.
"And I had to stay in a hospital, there in New San Francisco. It was so dull, having to lie there and stare at the ceiling all the
The plane back was all right, though...much roomier than a stupid entry
plug!" She paused pensively.
"Hey," she finally asked, "Why did you...kiss me. Before I
Shinji inhaled deeply; it was yet another moment of truth. In
fact, to him, everything since Asuka returned had seemed like a moment
truth. Except that he kept lying.
"Because, um, th-that's how I, ah...feel about you," he failed to say.
"I dunno," he said instead. "I-I think I just lost my head.
Yeah, I think so." Another moment of untruth. ...oh well.
"That's okay. Just don't do it again, or I'll pound you!"
"I won't. ...But you're good at pounding. Especially Angels."
"Gee. Thanks, Shinji."
There was another long silence, and then Shinji began singing.
"The air is so clean, the sky is so blue, I know what you mean, I feel lucky too. I found a dollar, it's like a dream, I love this
place, my slurpee is so greeeeeeeeeeen."
"No, it's green."
"You know it's red."
"My slurpee is green, so that's how I sing it. Besides, 'red'
doesn't rhyme with 'dream.'"
"Are you color-blind, or what? It's red, and you know it."
The next afternoon was a training afternoon; however, it was by
no means typical. Instead of climbing into Eva simulation plugs, as
usual, the Children were directed by Misato into a NERV gymnasium. In
the center of it, on a plastic mat, stood the aforementioned guy with
blue gi, along with a stereo. In front of him were three more mats.
"Agh!" he exclaimed. "Katsuragi-san, these outfits will never
do. They are too tight and restrictive. Have the pilots change into
clothing allowing for mobility." Misato nodded and sent Shinji, Asuka,
and Rei back to the changing area.
When they returned, in looser clothing, Misato was gone. "Now
isweird," Asuka whispered to Shinji. "What do you think they're
Shinji shrugged, about to say something, when the karate man
"Greetings, students. I am your sensei, Chop Chop Master Onion,
and I will be helping you to synchronize more effectively with your Eva
units, using music and martial arts to develop a fine sense of mental
coordination. For today's activities, you will repeat my words and
actions. Now, we begin!"
He pressed a button on the stereo, and a strange mixture of
traditional Japanese music and rap flooded the gym.
Kick, punch, it's all in the mind
If you want to test me, I'm sure you'll find
That the things I'll teach ya, are sure to beat ya,
Nevertheless you'll get a lesson from teacher, now
Kick!" With this, Onion-sensei executed a fluid roundhouse kick.
"Kick!" shouted the pilots in what could be called unison only if one had recently abused controlled substances.
"Punch!" Onion-sensei punched.
"Punch," Rei whispered, mechanically thrusting her fist out.
"Punch!" shouted Asuka. She lunged forward, putting her body
into the attack.
"Punch?" asked Shinji, stumbling with his uncoordinated punch.
"Chop!" Although none of them actually chopped, they at least
"Block," echoed the three Children, blocking. Rei crossed her
arms in front of her face. Shinji and Asuka threw their arms across
their respective chests; Shinji overdid it and faltered onto the mat.
"Don't get cocky, it's gonna get rocky," sang Onion, "We gonna
move down to the next ya jockey now..." Shinji pulled himself to his
feet and cringed inwardly. Not more, please! No...
Jackson Ferrell turned on his midi of "Fly Me to the Moon," stood
up from his computer, and began to speak. Again.
"Hello again. Hope you enjoyed SLURPEE 0:2.
"Okay then, next episode. We'll finally discover the identity of
the elusive Fourth Child. We'll have more Yan and more
PenPen...miniature golf, too...and the Twelfth Angel. Further
developments between Shinji and Asuka, and a progressive katana, too.
"Oh, and today is the Special Thanks Episode!" Jackson picked up
his soda bottle and poured himself a champagne glass of Dr. Pepper.
"I'd like to thank the people who made this possible: my editor/revisionists,
Ian Andersen and Andrew Huang; my brother, who confirmed that I was
being funny when I meant to be; David Bever, who introduced me to Neon Genesis
Evangelion; Erin Ellis, who puts up my Slurpees on her website; Five
Iron Frenzy, a great band that wrote the music featured in Slurpee; and
finally, Gainax, the wonderful creators of NGE without whom this
wouldn't be the least bit possible. Also anyone I've forgotten. Cheers!"
Jackson raised his glass of Dr. Pepper to all the groovy guys and gals
"Okay, now that we've had our Special Thanks Episode, I'll see
all my faithful readers next time, with SLURPEE 0:3! Hope you enjoyed
this, and catch you later." The midi finished. Jackson turned it off
and went to go have a snack.