shin slurpee evangelion
slurpee 0:5--

      Rei had spent a lot of her free time, recently, practicing martial arts to Onion-sensei's rap tapes. As a result, she was really tearing up during the training sessions, and the results showed in her piloting, too. In the current training session, she had just completed the last several sets of commands flawlessly.
      Onion-sensei began singing again.
                  "Beat to the beat is the right technique
                  Follow my lead if it's skill you seek
                  When things get rough, just focus your chi,
                  Relax and attack and you'll be like me, now
      Kick punch punch!" He planted and drove his leg well above his head, adding two jabs.
      "Kick punch ack!" Shinji echoed, starting his punch too soon and tripping over himself.
      "Kick punch punch!" shouted Asuka. She performed the attack fiercely, except for an uncoordinated final punch.
      David said nothing, merely copying Onion's moves.
      Rei, on the other hand, was something else. "Kick punch punch," she said, executing her moves correctly on each beat. One leg flew out, withdrawing, followed by a pair of fists in succession.
      Training continued in this manner, Rei surpassing the others' efforts and almost matching the instructor's, until the tape came to an end. "Very good work, Children," Onion-sensei congratulated his pupils. "I can see your coordination improving! I will see you tomorrow."
      After changing out of his training gi, David waited for Rei outside the locker rooms. "Nice job today," he said to her, when she emerged. "Holy crap, how do you get your leg that high for those kicks?"
      "Females have a greater structural flexibility than males. Extra practice, in addition, is helpful. I have been working on my roundhouse kicks." She paused. "I would suggest we leave quickly. Asuka's mood seems bad today, and soon she'll be finished practicing her roundhouse kicks on the locker."
      "Yeah, let's go. Say, I read some interesting stuff by Hobbes today, in Leviathan, and I was wondering what you'd think of it..."

Shin Slurpee Evangelion
SLURPEE 0:5 - Superpowers

      "Signal rejected," Amy Bradford, Eva technician first class, announced irritably. She had trained and worked hard to reach her position, and she wasn't about to be shown up by a bio-robot with a picky taste in signals. "Should I reattempt the secondary connections?"
      "Re-route the initial transmission conduit," directed her superior, Dr. Timothy Pennington. "Try compensating for harmonic variation, too."
      Amy struck a series of keys on his keyboard. "Harmonics adjusted. No change, Eva still not responding."
      "That's odd," mused the doctor. "The synapses were inserted correctly?"
      "Yes sir."
      Pennington examined a computer monitor, observing synchronity progress and signal transmission path. "All neural gates read as unlocked. It appears the Eva is simply refusing to take the signal."
      Inside the cockpit of Eva-04, the Fifth Child was struggling with problems of his own.
      I'm sure I can hold my breath just a few more minutes. I'm sure of it. Then I'll pass out and I won't be able to pilot this piece of scrap metal. It can't synch with an unconscious pilot, right? I'm darned if I'm gonna put my soul in this thing. I'm darned if I'm gonna breathe this LCL.
      The Fifth Child's lungs interjected, Where's our air?
      Shut up, he thought. Wow, my brain must really need oxygen if I'm talking to my lungs. Just a bit longer...
      Excuse us, but there are cells that need to respire here. The red blood cells are getting dark, and everybody's not producing enough ATP to power you, ya know? It'd be good for everyone if you'd do a little breathing now. ...Look, don't make us go anaerobic on you. That's just gonna hurt everyone, in the end.
      The Fifth Child told his lungs to take a hike. Instead of obliging, they caused his chest to hurt. BREATHE, YOU!!! they screamed.
      And so he breathed, LCL flooding his lungs as he hacked away.
      "I just can't get the signal through," Amy said angrily.
      "You know, the problem may just be in the Eva," suggested another technician. "Dr. Pennington, do you think we should attempt to synchronize the pilot and Unit 05?"

      "Attention, please," Secretary Kensuke Aida addressed his fellow Asuka-haters, in the same empty classroom as before. "This second official meeting of WHAC begins now, Touji Suzuhara presiding. Suzuhara-sama?"
      Touji stood and read from his speech paper. "Lessee here...ah. The purpose of this meeting is to devise a strategy that will free Shinji Ikari from the clutches of our nemesis. Further complicating the problem is that--"
      "Tetsuya Yoshida left because we're not giving free pizza anymore," David Bever observed.
      "That's not what the sheet says. It says that Asuka is apparently developing feelings for Shinji, which will present further difficulties. Now, does anyone have suggestions?"
      Kensuke thought for a second. "Well, she can't stand any of us. Maybe if we hang around Shinji a whole lot, she'll be deterred."
      "Or," elaborated David, "she won't. ...In which case, we and she will come to verbal blows, and her true insensitive nature will show through. Causing Shinji to realize what a jerk she is."
      "Hmm," Kensuke mused. "If we don't mind the presence of the evil one, then it's a good deal." He looked at his companions, the three of them united by purpose.
      Touji looked back at him. "Maybe we should get Rei's help. I mean, she's pretty smart and all, and I bet she could come up with something good."
      "And I'm pretty sure Shinji's got a thing for her," added Kensuke.
      "She may have feelings toward Shinji, as well. As much as Ayanami can possibly possess any emotion. Even being a newcomer to the Eva piloting scene, I can see that they at least feel positively toward each other; I'm just not sure how positively. I think that trying to set her up with Shinji could have beneficial results."
      "But David, is that a good thing for him? I mean, Rei's not too responsive or anything. Could be a dull relationship," Touji noted.
      "True. ...But, despite being quiet and odd, she is a person with a personality. She's hardworking, complacent, and intelligent, for example."
      Kensuke looked at the notes he'd scribbled down. "Okay, we've got 1) hang around Shinji and try to drive off Asuka and 2) get Rei's help, either intellectually or romantically. Yeah?"
      "Sounds good."
      "Say, David. How come your Japanese is so good?"
      David grinned secretively. "Magic." The other two apparently had no desire to pursue the matter and thus let it drop.

      In Eva-05, things were going more smoothly than before. The Third Phase was nearing completion as technicians kept the signal stable. Joe Fukushima, the neural connection operator of NERV's American subdivision, counted down the distance to absolute borderline. "Synaptic junctions 4.7 from borderline. 3.7 junctions...3. 2.5. 2, 1.5, now 1. Entering critical area, 0.7 remaining...0.6, 0.4, 0.2, 0.1...passed. Eva-to-pilot synchronity achieved."
      "Synchronity percentage, Amy?" asked Doctor Pennington.
      Amy was frowning disappointedly. "Point oh-five, sir." Everyone in the room turned in surprise.
      Amy looked at the ten-or-so shocked faces that were focusing on her. "It's .05%," she repeated, slightly angry. "Quit staring at me! It's the pilot's fault, if anyone's!"
      "That's true," noted the doctor. "I believe I will give NERV a call and see what bonehead was operating the Marduk program when they chose this candidate. While I do that, eject the entry plug and have the Fifth Child wait here until further notice."
      He paused, contemplating. "Get him a soda, too. Or maybe some Nestea."

      Gendo Ikari wasn't surprised at all that the Fifth Child had failed to synchronize with Eva-04; nor was he caught off guard concerning the results with Eva-05. It had been foreseen that the correct fifth candidate for Evangelion piloting would have these initial difficulties. However, convincing Dr. Pennington that this wasn't a problem was proving to be rather difficult indeed.
      "Let me assure you," emphasized the commander, "that these problems ensure that the pilot is more than capable of performing his duty. According to calculations from SEELE's best scientists, the Fifth Child will have a high synchronity potential, despite poor initial results."
      "Ah. And you compensated for this in running the Marduk program?"
      "Confirmed the results using a verification system?"
      "Um...did you...never mind. Yes, I suppose Luke Ferrell must be the Fifth Child, then." Pennington looked over a printout of synchronity results. "In that case, we will send you number five as soon as possible."
      "Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye."
      Gendo Ikari surveyed his office, his eyes coming to rest on a diagram of Eva circuitry. Though SEELE might have foreseen the situation, there was no possible way it could foresee his plans. Luke Ferrell would soon become, if all went well, an integral element in the Instrumentality Project. His potential for uniting with Evas would see to that.

      At a picnic table outside, Shinji sat with Asuka. The two were eating lunch and talking about life. Shinji's argument was that his life was good primarily because of his friends and the salami sandwich sitting before him, whereas Asuka pointed out that he also had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pilot a giant robot. His response was that it wasn't particularly enjoyable for him. She rebutted this point by asserting the fact that he was a moron.
      It may have been an argument, but it was a friendly argument. Both of them were smiling, and Touji noted this fact with dismay from his vantage point along the wall. He, Kensuke, and David were spying.
      Touji frowned and began singing. "I can see what's happening--"
      "What?" asked Kensuke.
      "And they don't have a clue."
      "Apparently someone else doesn't have a clue," the master of the obvious noted under his breath.
      "They'll fall in love," continued Touji, "and here's the bottom line: our trio's down to two!"
      "Oh." Kensuke took a bite of his sandwich, which took considerable effort. The sandwich war between him and Touji was still ongoing. As was Touji's song.
      "The sweet caress of twilight--"
      "What have you been smoking?" asked David Bever. "It's broad daylight, you idiot. I sure don't see any 'twilight.'"
      Touji gritted his teeth. "Look, I'm trying to sing a song here. If you guys could save the editorial comments for a better time, such as when the Earth crashes into the Sun, I'd be really grateful. Okay?" He resumed singing. "The sweet caress of twilight, there's magic everywhere. And with all this romantic atmosphere, disaster's in the air!"
      "I wouldn't think so," David mused. "You could ruin any romantic atmosphere with your singing."
      Kensuke agreed wholeheartedly. "Yeah. Touji, has anyone ever told you that you have have a singing disabilty? You know, an S.D.?"
      "WHAT did I tell you about the editorial comments?"
      David snickered. "You're just bitter 'cause you're S.D.. Big-head boy."
      The assessment wasn't too far from the truth. Touji, currently, was so hot under the collar that his head might just start enlarging from thermal expansion. Red-faced, he snapped, "You know, if you guys stopped INSULTING me, we might be able to RUIN this romantic atmosphere and employ our anti-Asuka strategies!"
      "To which we could add your singing," David noted under his breath.
      "What was that?"
      "Nothing. You go ahead, go over there and start arguing with Asuka."

JACKSON: We interrupt this fanfic to bring you another commercial. This one was written by Erin Ellis. Enjoy!

(The scene: breakfast table at Misato's. She is seated at the table with a bowl of cereal.)
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JACKSON: Ha ha! Wasn't that great? We now return to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

      "Hey, Rei!"
      "Hello, Kensuke."
      "So, tell me, what's up?"
      Reluctantly, Rei averted her gaze from lunch. "Clouds," she observed.
      "Er...yeah, can't argue with that. I mean what's going on?"
      "I am eating lunch."
      Conversation, Kensuke thought, isn't her forte. "Uh-huh. Say, remember the dance a few months ago?" She nodded. "And how Shinji wanted to ask you to it, but he was too shy to admit it?" She nodded again. "He really likes you, you know. He keeps wishing he'd had the courage to say something, instead of denying everything."
      I am such a good liar!
      Rei demurely gazed at the clouds, quietly voicing her thoughts. "He denied very vehemently, for one who wanted to dance with me. It seemed more as if he had other intentions."
      "Well, you know how Shinji is," Kensuke quickly explained, thinking on the fly. "You know how he goes ballistic sometimes, and um, doesn't know what he's doing, like especially in his Eva how he gets all psycho."
      "He tried to protect Asuka when he fought the last Angel. He apparently was 'psycho' in defense of her. I believe he feels strongly for her."
      "Displacement," Kensuke said. "It's a Freud thing. He's afraid you don't like him so he subconsciously focuses his emotion on Asuka." Thank God for that report I had to do on Freud last year! "Look, what do you feel toward him?"
      Rei considered the question. "...Feel."
      "Yes. Like what emotions? How does he make you feel?"
      " not know. It is...agreeable to be around him. When he is happy."
      "So you want him to be happy, right?" Rei slowly nodded. "Believe me, he will be very happy if you ask him out. I think you should call him up tonight, and say, 'Shinji, will you go out with me?' That's what you should do."
      "Perhaps I will," Rei decided. Although it was almost a question.

      "Hey guys," Touji said, sitting down by Shinji and interrupting his conversation with Asuka. "Shinji," he said, nodding to his friend. "And Asuka." She glowered rather fiercely at him, so he glowered back. "It's okay if I join you, right?"
      Shinji nodded. "No problem."
      Asuka almost adamantly objected but for some reason shut up.
      "So, what were you guys talking about?" Touji asked, unwrapping his megasandwich. He bit off a chunk and chewed it with difficulty.
      "Eva piloting. Shinji here thinks it's stupid--yeah, just like him--but I think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread!"
      Touji considered his response, formulating it to tick off Asuka without seeming aggressive. "I dunno, there's not much better than sliced bread." He ate another piece of sandwich. "An' bsides, yu gotta r'member thut mh sister whus injurd cuz (gulp) 'njured cuz (swallow) 'cause of Eva-01 and that one green Angel. I'm not too fond of 'em."
      "Well, that's just personal preference," Asuka replied. "You know that without the Evas we'd all be Angel fodder. Some people just hafta get hurt to beat them!"
      "Like me," Shinji said.
      "Yeah, like Shinji. And Mari-chan. How come it's always the nice ones who get it, huh? We're just pavement for the big shots to get where they're going. And who let NERV play God, anyway?" Touji was acting, but it came naturally to him. Although he'd put the injury incident behind him, he could dig it up for further use. Hey, Shinji was worth it!
      "NERV's not playing God. They're saving the world from the threat of the Angels! You just have no idea of sacrifice for the common good." She stuck her tongue out at him.
      "Yeah, no idea of sacrifice. I had to sacrifice my sister, how much is that worth? Maybe I should just give 'em my appendages, too. My left arm, maybe a few toes..."
      Asuka backed away a bit. "Lighten up! Aren't you beating a dead horse here? You don't have to get so angry, either."
      Maybe I overdid it, Touji thought. He decided to tone it down. "Yeah. But you're not very sensitive about Eva piloting." There. That ought to be uncomfortable enough. Get Shinji thinking. Shinji, confused, was still wondering what had just transpired.

      The lessons that afternoon, however, were far from confusing. As the teacher unknowingly covered the same topic that he had four times already, Shinji followed along in his notes. Tired of reviewing the worn idea, and well aware that he could recite the material in his sleep (which was what he'd be doing if the excitement didn't pick up soon), he saved his notes, opened up a graphics program, and drew little squiggly marks.
      "Bored?" Asuka whispered to him. He nodded, drawing a squiggly mark that would have looked kind of like a heart if it weren't for the other squiggly marks clogging up the screen.
      "He's going over this for the fifth time now," Shinji observed quietly. "It's really getting old, fast."
      "...And it's fifth period."
      "And it's five minutes 'til one."
      They looked at each other. "Weird coincidence," they agreed simultaneously.
      The teacher seemed to be about to move on, so each of them returned to his or her own notes. Shinji closed his file full of squiggly marks (he'd just completed the 25th one, not that he was counting or anything) and rested his fingers on the keyboard again.

      Exactly five hundred meters down from Shinji's immediate location, a problem arose. "Blue signal detected!" Ritsuko announced loudly. All NERV staff looked up from their computers. "Source is almost on the outskirts of the city...and it's very big."
      "Give us visual," Commander Ikari directed. A few keystrokes, and there was the Thirteenth Angel. The visual output, though a bit blurry and underwater, showed something rather like a seven-eyed, five-tentacled, neon purple squid. Apparently one with vision problems, since the squid-Angel promptly tripped over the visual display camera and crushed it.
      "Maybe it's camera-shy," Shigeru Aoba considered.
      "This is not a laughing matter."
      "Sorry, Commander."

      Shinji's fingers jolted up from the keyboard as two surprising things happened simultaneously. First, the Angel Warning Alarm blared unexpectedly; second, a message appeared on his computer screen, an incredibly unlikely message for Shinji to recieve from an even less likely person to send it. These two events in conjunction, caused him to pound out a series of letters and numbers into his notes: Ez 2aj=dnlfivejs.k
      "Something wrong?" Asuka asked, standing up to go to NERV HQ. Shinji hastily shook his head and shut down his computer. He swallowed.
      "Er, just nervous about the Angel. Yeah."
      The teacher was speaking. "Okay...all students should report to the emergency shelter, except the four pilots, who will go fight the Angel. Single-file line, remain, that should be it. Let's go."
      "Good luck, man," Touji wished to Shinji, punching him lightly in the arm. Shinji nodded absently; the message he had recieved was still throbbing in his brain.
      May I go on a date with you? Rei had typed to him.

      Once inside his Eva and beset with plugsuit, Shinji contemplated.
      I can't believe this. I can't believe that Ayanami would really want to go out with me. We're not like that! I, I don't think even she's like that. Why would she want to? And she's never been too friendly toward me, and even when Kensuke tried to get us to dance she refused. What am I gonna do! I can't turn her down, that would hurt her feelings--I think--but, I really don't want to go out with her! I couldn't leave Asuka like that...just throw away how much closer we've gotten? Have we gotten closer? And then there's another Angel to fight, too.
he groaned inwardly. Eva-01 seemed to be frowning. It seems like there are things going on right under my nose, and I don't even know about them. Like fate is sticking a 'kick me' sign on my back. He recalled a certain Five Iron Frenzy song, "I Feel Lucky," and sang it, altering it slightly to fit his situation.
      "I feel, I feel sucky; I feel, I feel sucky."
      Looking at the pilot status display, Ritsuko found Shinji's synch-rate to be less than optimal. "He's at 50%, on the dot," she said. "Almost an 8% drop from his previous average. Probably a mental distraction is at fault."
      "I'll ask him," Misato offered. "Shinji, is something bothering you?"
      The intercom clicked on. "I feel, I feel su--oh, huh? Uh, I'm kind of tense, well, about fighting the Angel. Yeah."
      "Well, we can't have you fighting like that. Loosen up, try to think about other things on the way to the surface." She whispered the last part, shutting off the other pilots' comm channels. "Like Asuka."
      Shinji tried it, but it just made him think about his plight. "Synchronization dropped .7%," Ritsuko reported. Misato appeared very confused.
      "We don't have time for this," Gendo said authoritatively. "According to Hyuuga's motion sensor data, the Thirteenth Angel has reached shore and is rapidly approaching the city. The pilots will intercept and eliminate it. The Angel's location has been loaded into the Evas' systems. Begin launch now."
      Restraints removed themselves from the bio-mechanical behemoths. Seconds later, three units rocketed upward to face their adversary.
      "The appearance of the Thirteenth Angel was right on schedule," Gendo told his subordinates. "I've pre-arranged for the transport of the Fifth Child to Tokyo-3, by plane; he should be here any moment now. And then..." The commander smiled. "Let the games begin."

      The first thing Rei noticed upon surfacing, aside from the deranged interpretation of a squid on the horizon, was the abscence of David. "Where is David?" she inquired.
      "The wuss said he felt weird, linked up to the Eva. His synch was lower, so they kept him down as a reserve." Asuka laughed. "Who needs him, anyway? You guys take autolasers and cover me from the flanks. I'm gonna take it up close with the prog-knife."
      "Say, Asuka," Shinji began, but the reckless redhead was already off.
      "Just do your part!" she called back.
      So, Shinji did his part. He and Rei aimed and fired together, their lasers creating slight ripples in the Angel's AT field. Almost instantaneously, it reacted by lifting two of its tentacles, which absorbed the lasers. Something happened next, but it happened far too fast for Shinji to understand what it was. All he knew was that his entire viewscreen had suddenly turned black, and he had fallen down. Apparently, he had been hit with...
      "Ink!! I can't see a thing!"
      "Nor I." Rei's unit had stumbled backward into a building. "Can you remove it from your Eva's eyes?"
      Shinji tried. "Can't. It's too sticky!"
      In the meantime, Asuka charged on ahead. "Gyyyyyyahhhhhhh!" she shouted, shoulder-tackling the Angel. Which wasn't a wise idea, because it, unfazed, wrapped a pair of tentacles around Eva-02's torso and prepared to eat its head.
      Squids' mouths are located at the base of their conic bodies. Their jaws, shaped like parrots' beaks, are comparatively powerful, and, in larger squid species, can break bone.
      Asuka, thinking quickly, planted and kicked the Angelic squid in one of its eyes. This caused it to drop her, and she quickly recovered and backed up.
      "I can't see a thing. Rei, I think we're immobilized."
      "The AT field didn't seem very resilient to either Asuka or our lasers," Rei noted. "It may only act as an energy detection field."
      "Sounds logical," Shinji agreed. "Asuka, don't attack it with energy weapons!"
      Asuka nodded, her face popping up in the corner of his view. "Right, I'd thought of that. And close combat is out. I'm gonna machine-gun it." Eva-02 grabbed an automatic assault rifle, targeted the Angel, and squeezed the trigger. "EAT LEAD, YOU SPINELESS BLOB!!!"

      "Units 00 and 01 seem to be completely blinded," Ritsuko observed. "Commander, I think this would be a good time to launch Unit 03."
      Ikari shook his head. "Not in this battle. Trust me."
      "I don't think that's very wise at all. You know as well as any of us the consequences of failure."
      "Let me explain the problem," Fuyutsuki offered. "The presence of Eva-03 against this particular adversary will negatively affect the synchronity of the Fifth Child to his Eva. I believe it's a result of AT field interaction. Do you understand?"
      Ritsuko nodded, but Hyuuga brought up another point. "I've heard that the Fifth Child has a low synch-percentage anyway. What does it matter? I'd think David would be more effective."
      "As subordinates, you will all have to trust me. Remember that I wouldn't do this if I did not strongly expect it to succeed."

      "It's advancing! Fast!" Asuka shouted. She quickly grabbed a second gun, an SMG, from the storage skyscraper at her left and began to run. The squid followed at what was, for a squid, quite a fast pace indeed.
      Asuka ran, emptying several rounds of machine-gun fire into her opponent, which didn't seem to be taking a beating at all. This is because squids contain a thin endoskeletal structure called a pen. In the Angel, this pen was thicker and more pronounced than usual, preventing bullet penetration. The few bullets that hit the eyes were also deflected by a similar transparent covering.
      Asuka, frustrated, continued retreating and said some very bad words in German, English, and Japanese.
      This caused the blinded Shinji to wonder how the battle was going. "Is something wrong?"
      "No, not at all! The fact that my bullets aren't doing anything isn't any problem whatsoever! And I'm not concerned in the least about how it's gaining on me! Man, that's a fast squid!"
      A plane carrying an Eva appeared on the horizon. The battle halted as Unit 02 and the Thirteenth Angel watched.
      Shinji was concerned by the silence. "What's going on? Asuka?"
      "I'm here," Asuka said. It would have been wise for her to attack the preoccupied Angel, but one's mind doesn't always think of these things. Especially after the tension of running away from a huge squid for more than ten minutes.
      The plane came closer. It dropped its cargo, a large white Mass-Production Eva containing Luke Ferrell, and flew away. The Eva landed with a crash, fell over, and slowly stood up.
      The squid began advancing on it.
      "Huh, wha? No, hey, don't come after me like that! Hey, help me out, okay! Help, girl in the red Eva, help me! Ack!" Unit 05 backed up slowly and shakily.
      Asuka noted that it was wearing pants. They were early-'90s-style jeans, large and comfy. Their color was blue, and they were treated to look second hand. The button, made of metal and about the size of a hubcap, had below it a collossal zipper. But now wasn't the time to dwell on that.
      So, Asuka opened fire once again on the squid-Angel. "Hey, punk, come finish what you started! I'm over here!" But it ignored her and focused on the other Eva, which tripped and fell backward.
      "Hey, don't kill me! Please don't!" The Angel's AT field passed over Luke Ferrell's pants-wearing mecha. Luke tried to get up. "Hey, I can't control my Eva! What the &^% is going on?"

      "Son of a..." Shigeru Aoba exclaimed. "Somebody confirm Unit 05's pilot synch rate?" Maya tapped away at her computer console. "555.55%. Wow." Gendo Ikari chuckled.

      "AAaAAAHhhhhHHHHH, I'm gonna DIE, help! My head! Oh my--" Luke's comm channel abruptly ceased functioning. His Eva's eyes glowed a dark shade of reddish-purple. The Eva stood, slowly, and the squid wrapped three tentacles around it. Time seemed to freeze.
      Eva-05 lunged suddenly, bashing the squid's body against a skyscraper. It then repeated the procedure several times, until the Angel's suckered tentacles released their grip. After this, the berserk Eva emitted a loud, screeching, terrible howl.
      Luke Ferrell's comm channel came back on for a second. "--HAHAHA ha ha ha whaaa ha, ha! Die! DIE!! AH HAHAHA--" He sounded as crazed as the Eva.
      "What is wrong with this kid?" Asuka asked herself.
      "I would not know. I am unable to see," Rei said.
      If she had been able to see, she would have seen one of the strangest sights of her life thus far (which is saying a lot, considering the nature of Rei's life). At the moment, Eva-05 was swinging the Angel by the tentacles over its head. It then bashed its victim into the road several times until visible cracks appeared in the asphalt. The squid suddenly wrapped its arms around the Eva's, lunged forward, and snapped at the chest, but the Eva dodged and countered by biting a tentacle.
      And then it bit the other four tentacles off.
      Asuka, wanting a piece of the action, re-commenced blasting her SMG into the detentacled Angel, which was now spraying ink everywhere in a panic. Eva-05 tore into the squid, ripping off flesh (if that was truly what Angels were made of) and bashing a hole in the pen. As it scraped through the squid, it howled and roared periodically. Eventually, reaching the S2 organ, it pulled the round globe out and placed it in a jeans pocket.

      "Synchronization has fallen to .05% again; we have reestablished contact with the Eva," reported Shigeru.
      "Communications link is reactivated." Maya flipped a switch, and all could hear the words of the Fifth Child, who was singing.
      "...around in a van, don't take, a shower for six weeks and...We've been given superpowers, ask us for an autograph. We sing! We dance! We'll make! You laugh! Don't you want to be like us?"
      Gendo Ikari surveyed the other NERV staff. "Told you so," he said stoically. "He has been given superpowers."

      Shortly afterward, Shinji, once again in his room in Misato's apartment, stared at the wall and contemplated things other than it.
      This is really really awful. Rei likes me. Who'd have thought she was even capable of liking? I don't know how to react to this; it's so unexpected. Rei herself wants to go out with me. And maybe it'd be easier if the feeling was mutual, but it's not! I don't want to go out with Rei! I don't even know where we'd go! What does Rei like to do? Read?
      He shifted his sitting position on the bed, so that he was near the phone. If I don't know what to do, I should get advice. I'll call... His mind played briefly with the notion of telling his problem to Kensuke, but, recalling Kensuke's attempts to hook him up with Rei, quickly dropped it like a dirty sock. Touji maybe? He didn't know why, but the thought didn't seem particularly wise. I could go into the other room and ask Asuka? No, any advice from her would most likely involve beatdowns. Besides, asking Asuka for romantic counsel was just far too ironic for him. Who can help me with this?

      David Bever's line was busy. Had it not been busy, he would have recieved a call at that moment. But it wasn't, so he didn't.
      It was busy because he was talking to Rei. "Say, Rei," he said, "could you do me a favor?"
      "What is it?"
      "WHAC--that is, the We Hate Asuka Club--is dedicated to the destruction of any possible relationship between Shinji and Asuka, because Shinji is our mutual friend and Asuka our mutual enemy. We'd like your help."
      Rei considered this. "In what way?"
      "To begin with, we believe that you can assist us in devising anti-Asuka strategies; you are, after all, a highly intelligent person. Knowledgeable. Furthermore," continued David, ticking off his points mentally, "you may be able to play an active role in carrying out strategies. If you did not mind...romantically attaching yourself to him...well, that would be an effective Asuka deterrant."
      "How can you speak Japanese so well, David?"
      "Magic." On the other end of the line, David was grinning secretively. "But that's beside the point. Can you help us?"
      "Does Shinji desire love?"
      David flipped a pen in the air and caught it. "Everyone desires love from someone. But in honesty, I think he's more partial to Asuka. None of us desire that situation, which is why we formed WHAC. Once again, can you help us?"
      "No," Rei determined after thinking about it. "I have no particular antipathy for Asuka, nor the reverse for Shinji. Knowing that he is happy with Asuka, I could not feign affection toward him. I am fairly indifferent to that situation. Besides, Kensuke doens't seem the most reliable source."
      "Kensuke told me that Shinji has...a crush on me."
      "That...he's gonna spoil our entire plan! Time is of the essence, I've got to go. See ya!"
      "Goodbye." David hung up, and Rei thought about what he had said.
      You are, after all, a highly intelligent person.

      "Hello, Shinji Ikari speaking."
      "Rei? Ah, I, that is--"
      "Please do not accept my offer of a date. I was misinformed and acting on false information."
      "Misinf...oh? Uh, okay. I don't accept then."
      Rei would have breathed a sigh of relief, if she had been anyone else. But she wasn't given to sighing at all. "I appreciate your understanding. Goodbye, Shinji."
      "What on earth?" Shinji asked himself, trying to sort out the phone call. Whatever had just transpired, one thing was certain: his problems, at least for the moment, were solved. So, he put a disk into his SDAT and voiced his contentment to the tune of "High School Rock" by the Huntingtons.
      "Everybody's rockin' to the high school rock, drivin' moms crazy with the high school rock, rock rock rockin' to the high school rock and roll! Yeah, everybody's rockin' to the high school rock..."


      Jackson Ferrell turned on his midi of "Fly Me to the Moon," stood up from his computer, and began to speak, as if anyone needed to be told.
      "Hello, everyone. How was the Slurpee, huh? David Luke Ferrell is my brother, and he's pretty nuts. If you don't like him, no need to worry, because he will only play a minor role. Primarily comic relief in the Evas vs. Angels scenes.
      "I haven't thanked the Huntingtons yet, either," he noted, "so thanks to them. They're a punk band, pretty good, fun and energetic music. Further thanks to all of you who read my fics, comment on them, give suggestions, and generally make this whole thing worthwhile. I genuinely appreciate you."
      "I don't know for certain what the next episode will be. All I have is an idea. Lots of ideas. I pretty much have ideas for the next three eps, I just don't know what order they'll be in. So, sorry I've taken so much time writing each Slurpee, and I'm equally sorry to say it may be another long wait...oh, man...
      "Well, that's all for now. So long, and thanks for reading this," Jackson said, waving. The midi finished. He turned it off and would have gone to eat dinner, except that he'd already eaten it.
      Dinner, that is, not the midi.

Copyright reserved 1999 Jackson Ferrell []

Neon Genesis Evangelion © GAINAX/ProjectEva•TX•NAS. No infringement is intended.

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